No Matter What

     I have no idea why in the heck I feel this way. All I know is that it's over a guy that I have no right to feel horrible about. At home, it seems that anytime something isn't right within the youth, Malana has to be the one to take the hell for it. Or if Travis does something, "Malana, you need to talk to Travis about this and this and this." It's not my problem! I'm tired of taking up for him or his mom on things because I'm barely even able to talk to him anymore. He doesn't let me. I don't let myself. It's sad when you start to see how many days you can go without talking to someone. But it hurts. I'm not even going to lie. I miss what it was. But there's nothing I can do about it. I KNOW the Lord told us to stop whatever it was we were doing. And we agreed to do it. But, honestly, I didn't think that meant cutting off all contact.
     It's not that I miss anything on the "more than friends" part, but I miss being able to talk to him period. He made me laugh, helped me be accountable, kept me up to date on sports, it was easier to lead the youth because I knew he had my back. Now there's this disconnect, at least that's what it feels like on my end. And Im tired of every time we go out on a youth event, or he has to take me home after practice, that I have to (well, not pretend) but when im with him, be reminded of what's missing but still act happy. I keep telling myself to be glad he's even talking to me when he does, and that when he's ready or feels the Lord lead, that he will be comfortable to let me back into his life. But im tired of leaving his vehicle all joyous, when really on the inside I feel like ive been punched in the gut. So I go inside my room, try not to think about it and just focus on the Lord, but still end of on my floor, leaning on my bed crying. I'm tired of crying over this guy! I have never in my life cried over a man like this. Ever!
      I know that I allowed myself to fall for him. I was sooooooooo careful when we first started talking and such not to get too caught up in it. I was totally afraid I was imagining everything. Then he started throwing hints and making things way too obvious and so, convinced, I let myself fall for him. Get excited when he called, be excited when he texted me good morning. But more than anything I knew he would be there. Always there. Life was going perfect. I was always talking to the Lord about things, asking Him to help me keep my focus on Him instead of, well, him, but im not going to lie. I knew the Lord was telling us this was not His timing. I guess what is going on now is the consequences of disobedience. But we still listened! But, maybe not soon enough. I guess my mom does have a reason as to why she wants me to do something exactly when she tells me to do something, not hours later.
     So, for all you spammers who actually read my blog, know that when God tells you to do something, make sure you do it when He says, cause He knows way more than you do and wants to save you from heart ache for something you were never supposed to have in the first place. It was a mistake. A learning experience. Still hurts, still sucks, but I have learned from it. I just pray the Lord will heal me from this so I can move on with my life and glorify Him and enjoy my life and my youth group family without the gut-punching feeling. Cause I'm tired of the gut-punching feeling and the tears that come from it later. Yes, crying is god for you, but I refuse to wallow in it for too long. I want to live my life again without my emotional drama because I am to never trust my emotions. Although, I must say, this is probably the worst time in  my life to finally discover emotions. For so long I suppressed them, but this year, as I have allowed the Lord to being me closer to Him, I am finding their many uses. They are useful, yes, and I am now able to help others with theirs, but I don't like their consequences.
      Something I have learned with this whole experience is that love is not a feeling or emotion. It's action. And the best action I can show towards someone who is distancing themselves is to let him go. It sounds cliche, but it sets both me and him free. Let them go and if it was meant to be, they will come back. He won't have to worry about weirdness between us or worried I will get the wrong signal and I won't expect anything from him in that sense. I wont have to worry about him talking to other women because I will not be focused on that and wont be hurt by it because I have no claim on him. He won't be mine so I will have no right to be angry, sad or jealous. This wasn't a break up, this was a let go and give to the Lord. God's got His hand on my life. He's got what's best for me. And I am growing (Praise Him!!) And when I feel as though Im falling back on those past feelings and actions in terms of Travis, I will read this and remember where I stand.

I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what, I’m gonna need You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 

No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself

I’m just sitting in silence

There’s no way I can make it, without Your help

I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons, for everything

So I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling

God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

~Kerrie Roberts

Forever Be Mine

 

 Sounds AMAZING on uke! Just sayin :)
  A E
You're right there. Close my eyes and you are here. faith is not sight, but you show me anyways. Conceal yourself when it is time for me to grow. I can Take a deep breath and smile, cause I know you are right here even when I feel alone
A E A E 
    cause you will never depart, from me. Youve opened my eyes so that I could see
A D A E
that my whole life is not a guessing game. You've seen the storms even before they came. you planned this all out from the dawn of time. You made me yours and you will forever be mine.
   When things come that distract me from your grace, come near cause I need to see your face. You give me peace when my enemies attack,I trust you cause you got my back Lord thank you for being my everlasting King
Am D
So when I feel like i fall from grace remind me that it was never mine to gain. Its not by me that I am saved
it's what you gave and i will never be the same

Before the Mornin. I love you God!

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?

Well maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending.
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going.
You just don't know how you'll get there.
So say a prayer,

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God.
But life is not a snapshot,
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture.


So hold on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.

Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory.
Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory,


Come on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the hurt before the healing.

Oh the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning.
Before the morning.

Ya know, I'm talkin about my be-e-est friend! :)

     While spending time with the Lord, I started asking Him some questions that MAJORLY confused me. Like anger. Especially within the last few years, I always saw God as a loving, non-pushing, gentleman, graceful being who was always there for me. And He is, don't ever think otherwise lol.
    But then I started remembering times, especially in the old testament where He would point out everyone's faults and then destroy them if they didn't line up with Him. And that scared me! I was like, "God, you say that You are what You and that You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. If so, then am I seeing You in a way that You aren't?"
    It really confused me! I brought up Sodom and Gomorrah as an example and how He destroyed it. Or even when He flooded the earth to get rid of the bad guys. Then God started saying this:
 
   If you notice, I saved my people from those cities before I destroyed them. I gave them a chance to turn away, but they didn't. I loved the people who lived in sin, just as much as I did my righteous children, but they refused to turn away from the evil. They refused me. So, Malana, what did I do? I got my kids out and then protected them by getting rid of the sin within that city. I had to make a tough decision. I already knew they would never come back to me, so they were already lost. By keeping them there, it would have just hurt the ones who did care for me. I couldn't risk that. Same with the flood. If you notice, you have this thing you call a "rainbow" which my promise to never flood the earth again. But, as you can also see, I saved my kids- Noah and his family.

    My pastor actually did a sermon over this, not too long ago. He also made a point about how God is not judgement minded. In Genesis 18, God was willing to spare 1.5 million sin-filled people to save 10 righteous people. This means He is righteous focused!

    Then I asked Him about, what had changed? God doesn't change, so how come no cities have been destroyed or floods have occurred, or great balls of fire have rained from the sky since Jesus. I also asked Him why it seemed like Him and Jesus do things out of anger- even righteous anger. I always thought doing anything out of an emotion was not right. So what happened? Did He go softie? Then He reminded me of this:

     When I "did things out of anger" as you put it, I did it entirely out of love. When a parent disciplines their children, yes, they may be angry, but the discipline comes from the love they have for their children and wanting them to grow. When Jesus trashed the temple out of "anger" it was in righteous anger because they were leading my children astray. They were making a mockery of Our entire purpose which was to love and  to guide others in our love and law we established at the time. Plus, a main reason Jesus came to earth WAS to be tempted by everything and STILL overcome it. Since I was within Him the entire time, this meant I was able to see what each and every one of you go through so now I could relate. I could empathize. I could have that grace because I knew what my children truly went through. So, I overcame it for you so you could live through me. You see, the enemy has never been human, so He can never understand. He can never empathize with you. He has NO love for you at all. Just jealousy because I love you and I kicked him out. Emotions are a gift from me. You can glorify me with each one. But if you're not careful, you can glorify him too and that's what he tries to get you to do. That's why when you abide by me and my word, you can see the true motives to each of my actions and learn to line your actions up with mine.


    It was refreshing for once to talk about God and not me. I always have a habit of when I talk to Him, I make it all about me. But maybe, God wants to talk about Him for a while. When you talk to your best friend, you don't make it all about you. You ask them what they think on certain things, you ask 'what's been going on lately' or different stuff like that. You learn about them and their likes and dislikes and you have inside jokes and you even make fun of each other. You enjoy being around each other and you have a bond that no one else has with you. You also have trust. Trust in their opinion and when they try to warn you of something they don't think is a good idea. Trust that they love you and only want what's best for you. It's also the same for their view of you. It's a two way street. True friends give, they don't just take. And as one of my best friends remarked today, when you spend a lot of time with your best friend, you start to think and talk like them! You know what each other is thinking before they say something, you start having the same "fun words" or phrases, and the same goes with God! The more you spend time with Him, the more you start to speak like Him and act like Him. I think that's soo cool!

    Jesus is the best friend, dad, brother, sister, mother, g-pa, grannmal, and 5th cousin you could ever have. You want to know why? Because, every single one of these people listed above and many more all have one common denominator- and that's love that never leaves. And that's Him. He's not looking for you to mess up, He's anticipating for when you do something good. He's proud of you in weakness and in greatness. Just don't forget who He is and what He stands for. Trust me, He's the best thing you will ever find :)
    

     


   

New Creation :)

      Talking to an old friend from church, I have found that I really am an entirely different person! And I give all the glory to Jesus, the master craftsman Himself! Ever since I finally just gave up and gave my ENTIRE life to Him, He has blessed me and made me entirely new!!!!! My friend, Lauren, she was in awe at how much I had changed! Before, she probably didn't like to be around me.
    And I probably wouldn't blame her.

    Back before The Big Change, my life was entirely consumed with trying to please everyone, make myself be like others who told everyone they were different. I was focused on myself and used God as a way to get farther in life and in relationships with others. My christian walk wasn't about Jesus, it was about what He could give me and what I could do within my church. And that's being completely honest.

   When I realized my life wasn't about me and that there was soo much more to my life and Jesus than the American Dream or being liked, it opened my eyes. HE opened my eyes.And I would never have it any other way!

    I love my life and I love what He is doing in me and for me!I had to get off my high-horse and understand that God is bigger than me and He wasn't my genie. He was my Savior and the first person to ever truly love me. He is love. The real love. He invented the definition of it- literally! When He sent His son . . .  man, life was shifted. The curtain was torn, and we became truly His. And He became ours. Our Beloved. That's just soo beautiful to think about . . .

    This reminds me of the song,  "New Creation" by Leeland. It's soo true because once you are born again in Christ, you gain His life that He gave to you so you can have the best of the best. 'Cause that's what He is:  
   The Best of The Best. :)

   I'm not perfect, though, which you also must understand. Do NOT put me on a pedestal. I think sometimes, though, even I put myself on a pedestal. But I'm not perfect. But He is.
    He was perfect, so I didn't have to be.
    I'm still growing and will never stop growing in Him because He is never-ending. And I will have both a Paul and a Timothy. Someone I learn from and someone I can teach. And I can't wait until I have both of these.
 
   I want to thank those around me who keep on encouraging me to stay in him and reminding me why I do this. Ya know, sometimes, I seem to forget WHY I'm a christian or as I say, " A follower of Christ". Many people with the christian title have a habit of abusing it. But the people who love God and love me because of their relationship in the Lord is one of the main things that make all this worth it. The insane faith in His crazy love.

    "Death where is your sting, Hell will never conquer me
     A love pure and holy, Has set me free
    And I am a new creation, I have been born again
    For behold! The old has passed away!
    There's a hole inside of me, And I'll never run away from you!
    Anymore, anymore" ~ "New creation" by Leeland

 
 

Peace in your promises

                You know, one day, I’m going to change the world. It will be through Jesus, it will be by His leading, but I don’t know where to start! I pray, but I can’t focus and I just hope that Jesus can hear my heart through all this static in my life. I feel the leading of the Lord on my life, to be in ministry, to tell others about Jesus. Being a nurse just sounds so boring, but I know it’s a place that I can serve others. If I could, I would sing for the rest of my life, but pray that I never look at it as a job because that would suck the fun out of it. I want to be myself, have fun, serve others, and glorify Jesus.

                I keep thinking about the question- what are my passions? What do I enjoy doing, what gifts do I have that can transfer into a career. Honestly, I can’t keep focused. My head is spinning a million miles a minute, so many thoughts, options, opportunities and opinions. Lord, PLEASE shut them all up so I can hear only yours because I KNOW you have special plans for my life. The man I will marry, the children I will have. The career I will enjoy and the church I will live.

                I love history and antiques. I love people and God. I love to write, to please people, and to make people feel beautiful and confident. I want to take the lessons I have learned within my life, and teach those who are going through the same things. I want to please God and my parents and those I look up to. I want to rise above my financial situation at my house. I have peace in the chaos around me within my family, but others don’t. But what is the next step?

                Decisions are to be made, battles to be won, adversity to overcome. This is one of the most crucial parts of my life.

Today.

Everyday.

New grace, new mercies every morning- but only for that day. See, if I live my life in my past, I will look at my regrets and have fear for my future. If I look to my future, then I forget to live in today.

It’s all about the journey.

So what’s next, Lord? Where do I go? How do I get the static to shut up and my heart rate to slow? I find strength in your promise, peace in your plans for me. Peace.

This is not my life story.

     God has used me sooo much and He has just enlightened me, given me so many revelations in my life and I am going to just keep boasting in Him! Listen here! Now!

     Your life is not mundane. Your life is not supposed to be be boring, your life is important. You have a life story and I want to share with you that God has SUCH an amazing plan for your life that you can't even imagine. Yes, life may be hard now, or it may even be great. Or for most of us, it may be habitual and boring. I can guarentee you that if you give your life- all of it- to Christ, He will make your story extraordinary! I can honestly say, that I have done a lot of cleaning out in my life and realizing I was not born so I can have the American Dream of going to college, getting married, getting SSI and then having a pretty funeral where they have to stress to find good things to say about me.
     No.
     I came here to live life to the fullest, and give it up for His glory because He is the only thing that is left in the long run! We came into this world with nothing material and we are going to leave here with nothing material. Only truth.

     So take an honest look at yourself. What does your world consist of? Your work to earn money, your education? Your boyfriend? Or the only thing that will never leave- Jesus. When you glorify Him in EVERY LITTLE THING, you will find He will bless you and give so soooo much joy to where you honestly claim your life and be proud to live it! Years ago, I would have never said, "I love my life! I would never trade it for the world!" But I do now! You wanna know why? (and this is not to toot my own horn)

     Because MY life, is HIS life.
     There is more to life. The American Dream ain't got nothin' on Jesus' Dream. My question is, are you honestly wanting to settle for less than you are capable of becoming in Christ? Cause I guarentee you- the only things that will get your name in the TRUE history books, are going to be things devoted and for Christ. His history books are the only thing that matters and His library is the only thing important. The things you do for this earth will stay on this earth unless they are for His name. I can guarentee it.

      So the million dollar question is, what will your life story be? The boring stereotypical romance/emo/adversityovercoming/mundane/pursuitofvainhappiness/horror/tragedy/comedy?
Or will it be like Christ's:(i.e.lifechanging/submissive/selfless/lifesaving/courageous/joyful/andnotaboutyou)
'Cause last time I checked, Jesus left his story on this earth thousands(although technically it started before time exsisted) years ago, and it is STILL being glorified. And He has called you to be part of it. How's that for a cliffhanger?

God Is still God.

      So Jack and I are just friends now. That's how it should have been in the beginning. We become friends first, get used to each other, see if we are compatible, THEN let the Lord tell us if we should start courting. What do we do? We skip like 2 steps! Thank the Lord that Jack noticed. Ad ironically enough, I have the whole Justus situation to push it.
    Justus and I have had history. everyone knows this. But the only problem is that the exact same day Jack and I have our first date, Justus and his girlfriend break up. I did not find out until Monday, but it affected me more than I thought it would. I couldn't stop thinking about it! how weird it was. . .  the coincidence in it. So I start stressing and decide I need to tell Jack what I have been feeling. I could not keep him in the dark on this. So I tell him. He's completely understanding, although he looks deep in thought. Well crap. I went and screwed up things due to an old infatuation. So on our way out of the restaurant we were in, Jack suggests that I talk to Justus and figure out if this is a door I need to keep open and shut before we go any further. Of course, that meant I had to tell Justus everything and finally get that over with. So later that night I do. Im going to leave out the emotional wreck I was a few hours before. I had to go take a walk for a little bit.
    Justus wasn't fazed by it and turns out he was just a sex whore like all the other men. I mean, I should have figured, but I didn't know he was that serious. He had it in his head that if him and I moved in together, one knows what happens when two people with attraction to each other do.  I was so pissed at him! He's says that even though now im all "Super V" once I have it, there's no going back and I wont be afraid of it anymore. I quickly reminded him that I am not like that and that I allow the Lord to lead me and go by his standards. Through him I can resist temptation. So that finally closed a much needed door. Very happy about this. Justus and I are still friends now and same with Jack and I. But I dont ever really talk to Jack anymore. If the Lord ever wants that to happen, He's got to do some serious convincing. Jesus loves you!

Courting with MasterCard

     You know, I apparently never fully grasped the concept of Christian courtship. I thought I did, but I realize there is so much more to it than once thought. And I must say, it takes a lot of time! This is uncharted territory for me, so now I do not know what is normal and what is not. Is he supposed to talk to me every day? Should I text him first, do we ever get to hang out just the two of us?
    Before, Jack and I would be alone all the time and everything was great. But I knew I was falling to fast, or for what the internet calls, falling in love with the concept of love. I think that Jack saw it too because on Saturday, he pointed out to me that I seemed distracted and that I need to make sure that I am focusing o the Lord. I have been trying sooo hard! My only problem is that, yes, he very distracting, but I know that I should be focusing on God's will first and no one else's. I cannot allow myself to get caught up in this and forget why I am here on this world. And that is to love others and spread the gospel. He decided that we should stick to group events for awhile. I agreed entirely. I'm just trusting the Lord on this. Letting him take over.
     Since Saturday, I have been doing a lot more quiet time than I usually do. I have been increasingly busy due to my schedule and laziness when available and I have decided that it isn't healthy. I need my Jesus time. I'm happier, I'm stronger in him and I know He likes it too. My theme song lately has been "None But Jesus" byt Hillsong. It has definitely helped a lot. I'm making sure Im doing quiet time because I want to, not because my courtier-person thinks it will be best. Or to make myself look good.
    Following God out in the open starts with doing it in private. Fully relying on God and becoming second in all situations. That's what I want to do. Anxiety has tried it's best to get ahold of me, but I refuse to allow it in. I just gotta keep my eyes on Jesus.
    But what does that mean entirely? Am I able to read my MockingJay book and watch my favorite television shows? Is that wise? I dont know what exactly to do anymore. What I should do? All I know is that I'm supposed to walk in love and keep my eyes on God and everything else will follow after.
    So, focus on God? Check
    Dont focus on Jack? Check
    Become second? Forever striving.
    Learning not to act like a teenage girl with her courtier and stop being insecure? Priceless.

Booklist 2012

The color purple
Hunger games
Catch fire
Hunger
The lucky one
Beyond belief
Hatchet
Mockingjay
The shack
crazy love

Big Brother

    I learned this from Pixi's father:


    If people see God and had proof he was always watching, what would people act like?
    People would act perfect. In a sense, they would be like puppets on a string. These people would never have a chance to act the way they truly are.
    God wants to see us for who we really are. That's what this life is about for God. To see who we really are.
    That's why he gave us free will. So we can truly show him we love him through faith.

Greedy

    One thing you must know about me, is that I am greedy. It's unconcious until i'm shamed into realizing it, but I am selfish. And greedy.
    We were taking the dogs to get their shots. We had to walk the four miles home with the dogs, and at first I was pissed.
    I was not even supposed to be at home today, but I still had to go and help. Five people to help with three dogs? I do not think so!
   Fuming, I went with them, taking the oppurtunity to take my dog, Sarah, on a walk. I got some Jesus time in, felt better talking to him, and went back.
   We got a our income taxes a little bit ago, and we have been living off of them due to my father's checks being syphined by the government for our debt. Our house is kind of being forclosed on, and we really dont know what's going to happen in the next few months. It's kind of scary, but im not worried. Whatever happens, the Lord will provide and show favor. I definately believe that. This too, shall pass :)

    Well, back to the greed.

    I had a talk with my mom about just moving out of the house now while we have the money to put down a down payment and for bills. Get going while we're ahead instead of just letting the money drindle until there's nothing to show for and and we are being forced out of our house.
    The safe route.
    Well, since im human and a teenager, we needed to go to southside to go pick out a few things. Low and behold, I acted like a 5 year old and aked for everything that I saw. Well, not exactly, but my mom did bye me a lot things. I'm always telling them to watch how much money they spend stuff on, and yet here I am, spending more than they are! I felt so terrible . . . I mean, I am greatful for the things I have, but when I'm shopping I get a high off getting things. Looking financially stable and able to other people. . . it's sad really.

    Another bad thing is that, really, the only time me and my mom spend time together or have bonding time is DURING shopping. When we're buying things. Other than that, we aren't that close. It's sad, but true. But, our interests are so different, it's the only thing we CAN do. and yet, even then, it should not be allowed.

    Either way, there is no excuse. I have been greedy with the money, with the food, and with my use of time. It's something I need to work on(:

"You can never get what you want when you don't fully appreciate what you already have" (:

Twinkle twinkle little star

I've been weird lately..... and I know why. My school time has been struggling and I know why it is, too. I've been setting my own self and my schooling above God
Lovely, right?
I had a nice talk with Eric last night. I was feeling terrible, all I was doing was eating and watching my computer. I had no will to do homework, or house work, or anything for that matter. Even though I didn't want to do that, even the thing that I was doing didn't seem to fufill what I needed. I don't know what I needed....
Well, randomly, Eric called me. He was all normal and friendly and honestly wanting to know how I was.I just said " okay " and he knew something was up. I told him how I've been feeling about things, how I've been controlling my eating, if I even eat. He encouraged me to really get some alone time with God. Turn off the music, put up the ownit365 bible and go outside, look up at the stars ( because he knows how I love to do that ) and talk with God. Ive noticed that Eric always does this. When I'm at my lowest, or I'm about to do something bad, Eric calls or.texts or something. I don't know if its the holy spirit, or something, but he always knows. If it is the holy spirit telling him, I thank god because the lord has tried to intervene almost every time I'm about to screw up.
So anywho, I seem to put way too much pressure on myself to perfect evrything and be GOOD at everything. But by doing that, I have been messing everything up. Like running in quick sand. That's what it feels like a lot. But, there's the Lord daddio just holding out a stick to pull me out of my own ignorance.
" I wish I was more than a man,
have you ever felt that way
And if I were to tell you the truth
I'm afraid id have to say
that after all ive done and failed to do,
I feel less than I was meant to be.
And what if I could fix myself, maybe then I could get free
I could try to be somebody else, who's much better off than me
But I need to remember this :
when I'm at my weakness I can clearly see
He makes the lame walk and the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on his time,
He knows our deepest desperate need
The world waits while his heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like If we let Jesus live through you and me "
-Big Daddy Weave

Libre!

I am free! I feel so good! This Wednesday, a new guy named Andre gave his testimony and his underlying point of it all is that you need to let go of what you don't need or is not of the lord. Then you are letting go of the control of things and allowing the lord to work. He knows what you can become, what he wills for you. In jeremiah 29:11, the bible says, " for I know the thoughts I have towards you.  A hope of a future..." that makes me so happy because he's right! Wednesday night I asked the lord to show me the things in my life that I need to let go and I was shocked, but understood what he told me. He told me the LEDA( Princeton thing) and Trey. At first I thought I was making it up or something, but the more I thought about it, he was right. It was hurting me, hindering my spirit. Well, I trusted him, thinking that if he's asking me to do this, he must have something way better in store for me. I'm believing he does!

Ya know, sometimes its really hard to love that girl....

When you feel like you are having trouble showing love to someone who has wronged you, remember that the Lord still loves you even after all you have done to him so if he can still love you after that, then the least you can do is show love to those who have hurt you.

Ugh

Walls bring disposition. Ugh.

Some poor girl's chasity

<p>Recently I have pondered the thought of having sex this year. My first thoughts about it was that, " no, that would be hypocritical Fay," then the next was, " is my future husband really going to care if I've gotten laid before?" Then my next thought was to ask Pixi. So during church I asked her about it and she just kind of looked at me, then said, " you are just like me when I was your age!" Then she gave me a hug.
    Not very helpful bes fwend.
     I told her I felt as if by the end of this year it would probably be gone just to get it over with. She just kind of looked at me and said, "Fay, you're going to want to keep it. I know you and when you get married, whomever the lord blesses you with, your going to regret not having that gift to give him." I said okay and then we decided to go walk to youth.<br>
&#160;&#160;&#160;&#160; That night, one of my many mother figures took me home; she is my youth pastor's mother. On our way out she asked me to pray for her brother that we could be in agreement that he will be healed. You see, our lesson last night was called, " I got a good feeling," and Travo remarked that even in our worst times, the lord never walks away; but it's what is truly in our hearts that will come out during hard times. So if you're filling your life with hate filled things or negativity or even acting perverted with your friends, that what goes in is what's gonna come out. He also made a point that when someone who witnesses as a christian " slips up" and says a cuss word when they get mad, it wasn't a mistake, they knew what they were doing.
      Somehow within the lesson, kenneth, travo's brother in law who is also a youth leader,  got onto the topic of Job. Even though Job went through hell, he didn't say one word against God or turned against him. Sure, Job told him how he felt, but he never turned away.  This story always made me wonder why God allowed the enemy to hurt Job. I knew my God wasn't like that at all. Well, Cindy,  travo's mom explained it to me: the things like sickness and tragedy does not come from the Lord, it comes from the enemy. See, the lord doesn't need you in heaven. Sure, he would like you to be there with him, but he needs you here so you can show others the love of christ. Tragedy will strike, but the pain will not be from the lord. Sure, the lord will take things from you when you are placing them above him because he is a jealous God, but he is always there to bring hope to you and comfort you after. He just want you to rely on him and let him love you. Among that, I saw a post by Joyce Meyer saying " if the all knowing God of creation recommends to do something, It would probably be wise to follow his advise because he obviously knows more than me. And i trust in him, so imma try my best and ask the holy spirit what to do.

Jump and fall... maybe

So I am going to stop whatever is going on with me and Trey. We used to date, but now we still like each other but he's still in love with his lesbian x girlfriend becca. She's also a main reason we broke up. She gets mad because he's dating me and because he's still whipped, he breaks it off. Lately we have just been figuritively dancing around each other which confuses me to no end. Either way, its not fair or healthy to me and I believe that it's time to move on.
      Another good friend of mine named Will has seemed to express interest in me lately and I believe I really do like him. Today something he said struck a chord in me and I can't seem to forget. I asked him if he liked classics ( as in books and such) and he's like " I love them. I just want a girl who I can be able to sit down and watch old movies all day like Rasputin ".  I was thinking " wow, I've never heard a guy say that before! Well,  anywho, I kind of want to persue thks further. I even made him a korny skyrim valentines day card. It has a heart with an arrow shot through it and says " screw an arrow in the heart..." and on the inside it says, "I would take an arrow in the knee if you would be my Valentine ". It looks freakin legit!
     Anyway,  wish me luck. I actual have an interest in this dude.

Whoreverville

I feel like a whore.  Unless this is what feeling like a boy -crazed hormonal teenager feels like. Any scrap of attention from anyone with a penis and I'm already testing last names. Ugh. What is wrong with me? Oh wait, nothing. I'm just probably over analyzing everything as usual.... splurt is now over.

Love, sex and Valentino

Passing on something in order to receive something better is not a sacrifice,  it's an investment. Who cares if you can decode me, I am not the important one here. It's not about me. It's about Him. His love. I need that love and that's all it's about. You cannot calculate it's mass, you cannot analyze it in order to understand it. It just is. It's not selfish, it is the center of all that is good. Beneficial. If you do not know God,  you do not know true love- or even how to love me. I am in relationships for love, not a temporary feeling. His love never fails <3
          Happy Valentine's day, you are loved.

Rolling in the Deep

    I know I haven't really used this thing for a while, but right now I am going to use it right :). SO interesting week, I must say. Had an interesting encounter with marine dude. We talked for a few hours, finally established each other's age. I am still jail bate, he still reminds me of a manwhore. . . . So life is now going on. But, SERIOUSLY! This guy got in my head. He was an data analysis guy for the military and he also knows behavioral analysis and read me like a book. This of course pissed me off to no end, but that's the ego talking.
    SPEAKING OF EGO: Today I was supposed to do praise and worship for FCA, which turned out to be an entire disaster, and I even brought my guitar to school. Well, A girl in named Lori decided since apparently I'm not up to her standards in guitar playing apparently even though Ive been a worship leader for about a year now AND Ive been playing for at least that long. The most hilarious part is that she wasn't even able to get the strum pattern. But I cannot think about that. All that matters is that students were able to come together in the name of Christ in a public place and praise him- and I cannot let my jealousy or ego get in the way!
    Guess what! I got the understudy role for the MAIN character in footloose! I'm already a character, but I got the understudy for it! I was so excited. I feel bad though. My friend Becca can never seem to get a lead role and it really upsets her because she's a senior and she tries so hard. I don't know what to tell her! Her vocals aren't very good, but she has good acting. But musicals are mostly singing . . . I want to tell her that maybe next time or something but . . ..  UGH! I just- it makes me feel bad about having a good role. I feel like I can't express myself (and im not trying to sound stuck up or anything) without someone being all depressed because they wanted what I got. I have to be humble about it, and I do try. But am I not allowed to be happy that I tried hard for something and got it? It's not my fault that Im able to do certain things. There are plenty of stuff that I would like to be able to do . . . like MATH. But I can't. And I do get depressed about it. But I want to be able to express my happiness that I finally achieved something for myself. I'm allowed to be happy. I just don't know what to say to those who didn't get what they wanted. Get over it? That's too harsh. Maybe next time? Why lie when they're just going to get hurt again? This is why I just walk next to them silently a they vent and let them come to terms with things.
     Now speaking of math! Today, my amazing teacher- Ms. Cahill totally gained a butt more respect from me! Today I had my guitar with me and she asked if she could play it and, of course, I agreed. First she wanted me to play the class something and I was like "ummm, you gotta give me a song or something" so she decided to start playing "Rolling in the Deep" and said "sing!" so she started singing it and I joined and it was AMAZING! I'm talking revolutionary! I love her! It was amazing! Ya know, just in the middle of class, singing Adele like it's nothing, two part harmony and everything. So Amazing.

Hopelessly Devoted

     I have this terrible anger inside of me because of someone else. It's my own dang fault. It was God plan, but it doesn't seem to help me get over it any faster. Dang it Justus! You piss me off so much and you don't even know it. Hell, thank God you don't know I have a blog. I got this blog for me so imma vent on it if I want to.
    Jaime is an AMAZING person. And I hate her for it. He is so in love with her and it bugs me sooo much because that was me once. She's the "love of his life". He's freaking moving to Texas to BE WITH HER. I just don't understand why I asked God to show me what to do when he wanted to be with me and the Lord said no. I adhered to his guidance, but it has been over six months and I still have feelings! I have blocked his posts on facebook so I don't have to see his lovey dovey stuff and I have tried to avoid him at school. But every time I see him, it's as if I have done nothing to separate myself from him. But As my walls will not stay up, his walls become stronger around him because I think he's figured out that I haven't gotten over him yet.
    Dang it Fay.
    "He's so close, yet so far away at the same time". I once considered him one of my best friends. And he is an amazing guy. Respectable, caring, loving, and strong. Most women would not consider him to be the sexiest man alive, but I know what he's like when no one else is around. When he let's his guard down. But I'm just a child. I don't really know what is in the other side of that door. I wont allow myself to anymore.
    I just wish the Lord would take away everything I feel toward him so that I can move on and he won't have to worry about me. Oh, what do I do? I don't want to lose what friendship we have left, but I hate keeping this from him. I have a feeling that once and If I do tell him what's been going through my head, he'll try his best not to talk to me or be around me just so he doesn't have to risk of giving me false hope. Cause that's what he'll do. Not the giving false hope thing (though with my hormones, you never know) but the wall thing. He is happy and I don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of that. Including drama with me. That's a sacrifice I am willing to take. My tortured silence for his happiness with her.
    God must have had a plan in order for him to tell me not to pursue a relationship with him. I mean, he lead me to freaking Colossians where it talks about this stuff about dating guys who do not fully know the Lord. Hell, he even put Justus' name in the freaking message for more clarifications! I looked to God for guidance on this and I followed his commands. I have tried numerous times to just let him go and move on, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's just a fling to make the time go by so he can prepare me for someone else better down the road. I don't know. If you pray, pray that I get over him. And anyone else that I may be fawning over.

Motivation say what?

    I think today would be considered kind of productive. . . .I did about 3 chapters worth of work for cosmetology, caught up on all my fav television shows and researched a lot about my future college and career. Good day? Maybe. Bad day? No.
    I'm still waiting for the LEDA program to tell me if I have been accepted. I I do get passed this level in the application process, then I go on to a more extensive application and then if I pass that one, I will have an actual interview. Ugh! I want this soo bad. I mean, Princeton, for three months in the summer, for free? It will be sooo amazing! I also have other things in which I want to go to, but I think I have to put those on hold until the LEDA thing goes through. I wont find out if I got to the next step until February 3. And the anticipation rises. . . . .
    I had planned on spending my day, praisin Jesus and spending some quality time with him as Sabbath was made to be spent, but regrettably, instead, I was on my computer all day. I hate my computer sometimes. It really does irk me.
    Ya know, I have all these essays due and I haven't even touched any of them. I have math and history, ut for once I'm not stressing. But in the process of not stressing, i'm not doing. I think I'm going to have to lighten up the load somehow. I'm afraid if I load up next school year with all AP classes and cosmetology, I'm going to be screwed. I need to talk with my counselor about it. I'm thinking about taking statistics since I have to take it in college. If I pass the AP test, then I will not have to take it for college, but if I don't I will at least have a head start. I need to cut back on at least one AP class. I'm thinking either my history class or English class. See, when I go to college, those classes will be the blow off classes for me. Which is good if I need them for the not so easy science classes i'm going to have to take. If I am going to take the ROTC route, I need to keep my grades up. Ms. Harris knows i'm a good writer, but she also knows that I don't keep her class on the top of my priorities. Right now it's my math and science that are priority because those are the hardest.
    Speaking of math, apparently my once thought A in pre-calc was just a fantasy. Apparently I got a 48 on my freaking test so now I have a 61 in there. Again. UGH! That REALLY pisses me off. I told myself I was going to do better, study harder and where did that get me? With the exact grade I passed with last semester. Unfreaking real. I need to get myself on the ball somehow. I need to get motivated.

Two Days Ago

    I think I have to pee.... is that too personal? Eh, probably. I have been soo lazy lately! I have all this work due, but I really do want to do, but stupid Buffy the vampire slayer has been on since I got home from school and I really want to relax. I had a kind of bad day. Apparently in my lovely fawning over marine dude, I left my very expensive, custom made bomber jacket in the gym locket with my keys in them. Yeah. I had to run about a mile in 8 minutes to go get it from the gym and make it to school before the bell rang. Kind of sucky day. It's all cool though.

Sabbath day

     I decided to try Sabbath on my own today. My family doesn't really practice it, at least the way it was intended to be practiced. Did you know that honoring the Sabbath was part of the ten commandments? I didn't. So, I figure, if it's int the ten most important guidelines, it must hold some value. To be honest, I know you're supposed to spend it praising and resting and just stopping your busy life to say "hey, I should do some Jesus time, ya know, send some knee-mails and such", but instead, I spent it watching the last four episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Love that show. But, it does distract me, I notice. I don't feel as focused as I usually am. I feel kind of, numb? No, that doesn't feel like the right word. I think that lazy may describe it better. I feel as though I just don't want to do anything dealing with the Lord. It bothers me because I wanna just be focused on only him and just be in his presence all the time. It makes me feel as though I'm cheating on God somehow.                              
    You know what I mean?
    Although a plus to watching that show gets me in the mood to train. Maybe call up marine dude so I can practice. I wanna go to the gym, I kind of want to run that half marathon with Travo, but I feel as though it is awkward between us. It's as if any time I try to just be friendly, act friend-like, he puts up his youth pastor walls because obviously i've crossed a boundary somehow. I don't know,it just really frustrates me. I think he feels I have some feelings for him or something and he's guarding himself. I don't. Sure, i've thought about it before, but I could never allow it to happen. I joke around a lot with Pixi about it, but that's an inside joke between us. Travo just gets his panties in a bunch and it just frustrates me. It also frustrates me when I see the young girls of my youth following him around like loyal golden labs. I know that makes me sound jealous, it just bothers me. It's mostly because I know it's a lost cause, but that's what we get for having a young and attractive youth leader. He is in the position of authority so it is absolutely normal. But it still bugs me.
    I told myself I would start eating healthier, but it seems that ll I am doing is eating MORE food. That makes me mad, too. I have a lot of homework this weekend too. I think I have to pull another 18 hour thing. I had to cancel with Travo and the Harbor for going to the nursing home to sing to the elderly. I'm just so tired, and busy and I feel like I don't want to go. Is this the start of a burn-out? Am I really getting that bad? Last night I stayed in the shower for who knows how long and just sat there, feeling the water. I realized how fast time is going by!
    I remember how while I was at my cousin Caroline's for about a month in Illinois, I was enjoying myself, being able to act like my age, having fun, having a normal life, and most of all, having true, love-filled family bonding time. I remember laying in bed at the end of the night and just crying because I felt like I couldn't stop time. I wanted it to stop, I was afraid because it was going by so fast. Is that what my life will be? Crying at the end of the day because I didn't stop to smell the roses? Oh how I miss them so much.
    Well, I have a  terrible headache, so, deuces.

The Pipeline Express!

    I had a very interesting day today..... it made me feel good. It's a pipe dream, but an absolute ego boost. It ended with a cyst on my hand and a number in my phone, but all in all, a good day. I had a realized day for once at school, it felt good. Service wen t great tonight, though I wish Xela would get on the ball with his strum patterns. It frustrates me because he'll do great in practice but when it gets to service, I cant rely on him to play lead guitar because he forgets the strum patterns. But other than that, we are improving sooooo much in the band. It's like a real worship service and I truly do believe it has to do with getting in the spirit, getting our mind on Christ. Pixi and granmal (pixi's sister) got me an awesome birthday present! It was sketch pencils with different lead sizes! It's so amazing! I'm going to use it so much.
    After service I went home and Dad wanted to go to the gym so I decided to go with. While I was there, I decided to do some boxing and such in the yoga room. See, at the gym, we have this workout room that has windows to where you can see the workout area as well as the workout room. The workout room was where, like, Zoomba was, and Pilates and ect. Well, lovely me was just going all psycho on this punching bag and this guy saw me. See, earlier I was stretching in the room to start my workouts and most the time when I stretch I do my gymnastic and dance type stretching to keep my flexibility up. Well, there was this guy in there too (the same guy who saw me boxing) and he looked like the gay guy from my yoga class.... well, apparently he wasn't. So, im in the workout room boxing and I had just finished a combination when I look out and see this guy with this, kind of shocked, kind of impressed look on his face. I just kind of shrug and he decided he's going to walk into the room to talk to me. Apparently he's a marine who worked in the fighting-or-whatever thing (grappling I think it was) and so he knew a LOT about fighting and such. So, it is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt he is into me, but he obviously does not know my age. So, he's showing me a LOT of stuff (which I was sooo happy about). He said my stepping and feet stance was perfect, but my technique while punching . . . not so much. He showed me a lot that really was beneficial, although I could tell he was just trying to make me feel good when I did certain things wrong by "pretending it hurt" and such. It was cute, but on the inside I'm kind of using his ignorance of my age to my advantage to try and get as much fighting technique as I could. Well, my dad was there with me also, but he came in on it when we were moving of to another fighting technique. He just kind of stood there for a bit and watched (which later he told me the reason he didn't interrupt was because he knew that the info I was getting for free would normally cost a hundred bucks an hour) and then the guy and my dad started talking when I realized I was hitting so much that liquid started building up around my knuckles (i.e. the cyst). They started talking military and we stayed for about another hour. Dad told him of some job opportunities he could get while he was in the reserves and so being the sneaky person he was, he gave me his number and even offered to teach me more next time. Apparently there was going to be a next time . . .
    His name was Henry and regrettably he was exactly my type, but once again, my age gets in the way and so I could never go for it. But it was still an ego burst. Next time I see him, I'll play the "How old do you think I am" game and he'll guess "twenty-three" and then ill laugh irrationally, then tell him my real age. Then he'll be like "nuh uh!" and i'll be like "uh huh" then it will get awkward because usually guys dont approach you unless they are physically attractive to you, which usually means they want to have sex with you. So since he will know that I am underage, he'll put up his walls and never do it again. Same old story. Gotta love it. But, (not that I want to have sex with anyone cause i'm saving it for marriage) it still disappointing me because he had the blue eyes, the dark hair, he was military, he had FREAKING DIMPLES. Ugh. But, the Lord has a plan. Always. Like I said, pipe dream, but ego boost nonetheless.

Forbidden fruit

    So as I write this blog, I have to keep reminding myself that THIS IS FOR ME. For once, I need to uncensor myself because this is how I vent each day. It'a way for me to record my thought so that when I'm thirty with two kids and a master's, I'll be able to reminisce on how easy my days were back when.
    Today, once again, did not go as planned. My cosmetology test for competition went great, I did it in about ten minutes or so because I knew all the answers already. I finally figured out what fantasy makeup I want to do for competition. I'm doing a version of a cat from the broadway musical Cats. Who figured? That happened, and then I talked to an army recruiter during lunch. I know i'm not supposed to listen to recruiters because they just want to get money for ya, but I have seriously considered it and researched it. Since I want to become a surgical PA, I can go to college with the army ROTC where they will pay for everything and then I'll be commissioned as an officer. There is a VERY low chance of me going over seas in about six years, so it should work out great. I really believe this is a very safe option for me, but once again, I must remind myself that this is an option. I have so many more things that I can do with my life. Heck, I could be going to Hillsong Australia for all I know. I could become some famous christian or country singer where I can spread the good news and such. Only God knows.
     I kind of got frustrated at school today because pretty much all of the studying and work that I did was for nothing. It's all happening TOMORROW.  The tests, the make-up work, the essays. All tomorrow. I also found out that I hurt someone's feelings without realizing it.
    My friend Kurt and I were talking and I was telling him about how disappointed I was that I couldn't make 4.0 club at my school because I had a D and 3 C's o my transcript. He told me how lucky I was to even have as high of a grade point average as I do because he doesn't believe he is smart so even a 3.0 would be good for him. I count Kurt as a very good friend of mine and I do respect his opinion. I was upset and brought up how it still disappointed me because my entire goal of high school was the get a 4.0 and get into 4.0 club. Now all i'll have is a 3.8. It really bugged me to be honest. I worked really hard to get what I got but it wasn't good enough. Apparently I was being inconsiderate and made him feel bad because I wasn't grateful for what I did have. So, today I apologized to him and I don't remember what he said. But we were cool.
    More happened today, but I really do not feel like going into more detail. I had band practice after I went to the gym and it went very well and I cant wait for Wednesday. On the way home, I finally told Travis how I have been feeling lately about me and him. I feel as though he's just being youth-pastorey with me. Me and him used to be real close friends but lately I haven't been feeling it. I finally told him and he didn't think he had been, but apologized anyways. To be honest, I felt as though he was putting up walls so that I wouldn't get any wrong ideas with him because so many of the girls in my youth have the biggest crush on him and follow him around like loyal golden retrievers. Sure, I am attracted to him in some ways, but I cannot think of those types of things, because 1) this is at church and can become distracting 2)I am underage and so I am considered "jailbait" 3) I am not in the position to be in a committed relationship because of still being in school 4)Say something ever were to happen, it could potentially hurt the youth (which are my babies).
    Okay, eyes are drooping now :) I need to sleep.
    If you're reading this all the way through, please know that Jesus loves you!

Mountain from a mole hill

    I feel like a got a lot more accomplished tonight. Being the lovely young person that I am, I forgot my phone at home today when I went to church. I didn't think anything of it, but I did regret it later. Me and Pixi (my best chick friend) are fighting right now. Okay, may "fighting" isn't the right word, but we're just kind of getting on each other's nerves because we're around each other so much. We see each other all the time. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but too much of ANYTHING is not healthy. See, the problem is, is that I'm too insensitive and she's too sensitive. She cries over the most trivial things and I don't sugar coat things when she asks me for advice. I hate sugar-coating things. It gets no where and can even be the exact opposite of what they need. I mean, I'm not completely insensitive, but I don't really care about anything but school and church. I want to help those who are hurting and such, but when they throw a pity party for themselves it gets on my nerves. I do not like it when people are hypochondriacs. " I can't decide between this guy or this guy (whiny voice)" or " What if, what if what if". To be honest though, even I am cursed with the "What if" thing. I over analyze, over think things. It's really not healthy either, but hey, everyone's got their own issues.
    Well, back to the phone thing. You see, I am currently in cosmetology school and a lot of people allow me to cut their hair. I do not get paid because where I live that's illegal if you are not licensed. But, as a student, I can still practice. Pixi's mom and brother asked me to cut their hair and I agreed. This was about two week ago, I would say, and I marked down on my calender and everything. Well, somehow I forgot to tell me mother. She heard me mention it yesterday, so I thought she already knew about it. So, today after church, I just went home with them so I could go do their hair. I though about calling my parents to let them know I didn't have my phone, but I got distracted. About four hours later, I called my mom and she was mad at me because she thought I had my phone and I didn't call her. Apparently she didn't know I was cutting hair and so she flipped out. This is a completely understandable flip out, but to be honest, I really DID think that she knew. That's why I didn't bother with it.
    Something else you must know about me, is that I have a habit of making plans without telling my parents what's going on in my life. My life is so busy, between the organisations am part of or lead in my community, band practice (I'm a worship leader), school, and when I have the time, I job. I get so caught up in my won world, acting like an adult that when I live my life, I don't really think about asking someone else if it's okay. Even at my age, I have sooo many responsibilities and people dependent on me that I am so worried about pleasing them before I even can think about okaying it with my parents. But his lovely flaw of mine has bit me in the butt quite a few times. Well, especially lately, I have been working on it. I mean, a lot. It was a COMPLETE accident what I did today, because I really have been trying to make an effort to check in with Mom and Dad.
    So I go home and find out that they have turned my phone off. Lovely. I flipped to be honest (on the inside). I acted to mom as if I didn't care because I was not in the wrong this time. The reason I didn't answer my phone was because I didn't have it on me. They thought I had it and just wasn't answering. Well, with this lovely let-down to my parents, my fighting with Pixi, and my increasing amounts of screw ups, I finally just broke down. I had had enough. I felt like my relationship with God was becoming weaker and that I wasn't making any effort to be with him. So finally I broke down today, questioning why I was becoming so screwed up lately. I never lose my composure, but I guess even I a breaking point.
    And you wanna know what?
    It felt good.
    I immediately felt the Lord around me, comforting me, and telling me that it was about time I stopped trying to do it myself. I had this anger inside of me that I placed upon myself. I was condemning myself, allowing the enemy to attack me as I just laid there helplessly while God was screaming on the other side of the wall that I put up to let him help me. I found him when I fell apart.... That is my favorite song, ya know? It really describes me, especially with my pride issues.
    I had planned to do homework for the remaining six hours I had for Sunday, but this anger and depressed feeling and ashamed feeling was so strong that I just laid in bed and cried for a few hours. Soon I fell asleep and would wake up every thirty minutes and just be so.... angry. Like these random outbursts. Soon I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. Around 6:30 or so, I finally got off my butt to start homework for school tomorrow. I got all my flashcards done for my skills USA test and ch.16/17 review sheet finished which also pretty much counted as 16/17 notes in APUS. I got all my notes done from history! I am so proud of myself! :)
    I feel a lot better than earlier and I talked to my father and told him that I didn't have my phone on me. He didn't seem mad, he just said he wasn't aware of that and he was going to turn my phone back on. Then I realized that I had just made a mountain out of a mole hill: the absolute irony in that! Life is good, but I just keep looking at the bad. I have food in my stomach, roof over my head, a family and church who loves me, and AMAZING God who is always there for me and I have free education. What else is there?
    I hope, for those who may come across this blog in the future, that I can encourage you, show you my Jesus, and show that you're not the only one who is imperfect. Heck, I'm a screw up too, but that doesn't matter. It's a thing of the past. With every new day comes new opportunity- the only thing you have to do is make the most out of it.

Tired

Last night Willow and I talked until about three at night. I was sooooo tired this morning at school. I woke up late, got dressed as normal, and then continued to my regular routine. I can't allow a 48-hours-horror story to occur, so i'm sorry to say, that no, I will not be telling you my true name. But i'll just call myself Fay. My best friend gave me that nickname a long time ago and it has stuck ever since. I am but a teenager. Nice.

Food is good

       Willow says I stress too much. Is that true, though? The only way I am going to succeed in life is to try my hardest and trust in the Lord. School is VERY important to me. I mean, I spent the entire day of my birthday doing HOMEWORK! Although I thoroughly enjoyed it because I am weird, I must say that I feel like it gives  me something to complain about. "Oh, you think you had a bad birthday? I spent twelve hours on schoolwork and stayed in bed all day. Suck on that!" Yepp, that will bring some shame. I think I like this blog-thingy. Really it's more for me than for anyone else. I really like it. I always thought blogs were stupid and only for people who wanted attention because they weren't getting it in the bedroom. Maybe that's my problem.
    Nah. I dont need it.
    Imma save it for marriage.
    I am quite proud of myself for today. I mean, the ending of right now, not so much. I got to give some things to the Lord that I  seem to have to keep giving over and over again. I dont know what impulses me to eat all that food but it happens. Ugh. Ill get over it soon enough. It will be satisfied for a bit and then that little thought of eating way too much will slip in and i'll tell myself "No Fay, you dont need it" and I dont even think about telling it that I have power over it through christ and all those stupid thoughts about it have no precedent within my spirit. But what happens? I dont remember when it does come! It's like freezing up in combat. Only this is the battlefield of the mind. Well screw you saving private Ryan!
    If getting older has taught me anything, it's not to look back. Though I do have a habit of reminiscing, I realize that I need to stay  grounded and have a good view on reality. I can't change the past. I can hypocritically analyze it and tell other people's what not to do, but either way: I am living on borrowed time. For all I know, I could be dead in December. Either way. I was sent here on earth for two reasons and two reasons only: Glorify God and spread his love to others. That should give me the oppurtunity to have the mono o mono with God in heaven. That's the goal. Not getting into heaven, but seein Jesus. Can't wait.
    I got nominated to do this National Youth Leadership in Medicine deal. It costs about 2,000 dollars, but apparently a lot of community organizations sponsor prospective students who take an interest in their future careers.Since I want to go into the medical field, I REALLY want to go to this thing. I get to see waht different types of specialties are like and work with real doctors. I would finally be able to see if this is really what I want to pursue in life! But I'll see where the Lord leads me and provides.
    Well, once again, I am soo beat and I got choich in the morning. Birthday went swell and life is going on. At least I got my special day to myself and relaxed. Food is good and God is better lol
   

Happy birthday to me....

So, today is my birthday. There was no big party, no big celebration, just a night out with friends. Though I did enjoy a lot of the night, I can honestly say my day sucked. I've already had a terrible week and this day did not make it any better. Right now, it's just after midnight, so technically I celebrated my birthday yesterday. I didn't want a party, just my closest friends all together and hanging out. I wanted to prove, even to myself, that I had finally found true friends who actual find an interest in me. Not me trying too hard, not me inviting people in order to show how big I can get a party. But actually celebrate my birth with the people who actually cared and made an effort to have a relationship with me. I invited about eleven different people to come over, spend the night, ya know, enjoy the night. Well, one was sick, two had to work, one had to cook, one never called me back, two people's mom's would not allow it and then two people did come. At first, no one but my friend Morgan was coming and she wasn't even spending the night! Even my best friend Amanda didn't want to come.   She was being all emotional and not feeling well so I wasn't too worried about it.
      The only thing I really wanted for my birthday was one of those edible creations (the fruit bouquet) things and I would be happy. I just wanted to be surrounded with people who loved me (not in a stuck up way) and that I loved as well. I just.... It just really upset me when no one could make it. Megan and Amanda came and my amazing mother brought up that since no one could stay that we should just go to the movies. See, me as a poor kid, you learn not to ask for parties that have anything to do with spending excess money. Like the movies or incredible pizza's. You just don't do it. That's why I was so shocked about my mom bringing it up. She has been soooooo nice! I love my mom even though we get on each other's nerves so much.
      I have so much homework to do this weekend. I have 5 tests on monday which super sucks considering that his is my birthday weekend and I have to study nonstop. And do make-up work from missing school due to minor surgery(I got my wisdom teeth cut out, not fun). All together, about 24 hours worth of homework to do.
    Right now im super tired... so I think ill go to bed. There is sooo much more that has happened within the last few days I would like to vent about, but no one really cares to read a BUTT load of my issues. So, my lovely blogger family, deuces on my birthday. Let's hope that I hae a nice day. I need to pray . . . .:(