I have this terrible anger inside of me because of someone else. It's my own dang fault. It was God plan, but it doesn't seem to help me get over it any faster. Dang it Justus! You piss me off so much and you don't even know it. Hell, thank God you don't know I have a blog. I got this blog for me so imma vent on it if I want to.
Jaime is an AMAZING person. And I hate her for it. He is so in love with her and it bugs me sooo much because that was me once. She's the "love of his life". He's freaking moving to Texas to BE WITH HER. I just don't understand why I asked God to show me what to do when he wanted to be with me and the Lord said no. I adhered to his guidance, but it has been over six months and I still have feelings! I have blocked his posts on facebook so I don't have to see his lovey dovey stuff and I have tried to avoid him at school. But every time I see him, it's as if I have done nothing to separate myself from him. But As my walls will not stay up, his walls become stronger around him because I think he's figured out that I haven't gotten over him yet.
Dang it Fay.
"He's so close, yet so far away at the same time". I once considered him one of my best friends. And he is an amazing guy. Respectable, caring, loving, and strong. Most women would not consider him to be the sexiest man alive, but I know what he's like when no one else is around. When he let's his guard down. But I'm just a child. I don't really know what is in the other side of that door. I wont allow myself to anymore.
I just wish the Lord would take away everything I feel toward him so that I can move on and he won't have to worry about me. Oh, what do I do? I don't want to lose what friendship we have left, but I hate keeping this from him. I have a feeling that once and If I do tell him what's been going through my head, he'll try his best not to talk to me or be around me just so he doesn't have to risk of giving me false hope. Cause that's what he'll do. Not the giving false hope thing (though with my hormones, you never know) but the wall thing. He is happy and I don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of that. Including drama with me. That's a sacrifice I am willing to take. My tortured silence for his happiness with her.
God must have had a plan in order for him to tell me not to pursue a relationship with him. I mean, he lead me to freaking Colossians where it talks about this stuff about dating guys who do not fully know the Lord. Hell, he even put Justus' name in the freaking message for more clarifications! I looked to God for guidance on this and I followed his commands. I have tried numerous times to just let him go and move on, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's just a fling to make the time go by so he can prepare me for someone else better down the road. I don't know. If you pray, pray that I get over him. And anyone else that I may be fawning over.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Motivation say what?
I think today would be considered kind of productive. . . .I did about 3 chapters worth of work for cosmetology, caught up on all my fav television shows and researched a lot about my future college and career. Good day? Maybe. Bad day? No.
I'm still waiting for the LEDA program to tell me if I have been accepted. I I do get passed this level in the application process, then I go on to a more extensive application and then if I pass that one, I will have an actual interview. Ugh! I want this soo bad. I mean, Princeton, for three months in the summer, for free? It will be sooo amazing! I also have other things in which I want to go to, but I think I have to put those on hold until the LEDA thing goes through. I wont find out if I got to the next step until February 3. And the anticipation rises. . . . .
I had planned on spending my day, praisin Jesus and spending some quality time with him as Sabbath was made to be spent, but regrettably, instead, I was on my computer all day. I hate my computer sometimes. It really does irk me.
Ya know, I have all these essays due and I haven't even touched any of them. I have math and history, ut for once I'm not stressing. But in the process of not stressing, i'm not doing. I think I'm going to have to lighten up the load somehow. I'm afraid if I load up next school year with all AP classes and cosmetology, I'm going to be screwed. I need to talk with my counselor about it. I'm thinking about taking statistics since I have to take it in college. If I pass the AP test, then I will not have to take it for college, but if I don't I will at least have a head start. I need to cut back on at least one AP class. I'm thinking either my history class or English class. See, when I go to college, those classes will be the blow off classes for me. Which is good if I need them for the not so easy science classes i'm going to have to take. If I am going to take the ROTC route, I need to keep my grades up. Ms. Harris knows i'm a good writer, but she also knows that I don't keep her class on the top of my priorities. Right now it's my math and science that are priority because those are the hardest.
Speaking of math, apparently my once thought A in pre-calc was just a fantasy. Apparently I got a 48 on my freaking test so now I have a 61 in there. Again. UGH! That REALLY pisses me off. I told myself I was going to do better, study harder and where did that get me? With the exact grade I passed with last semester. Unfreaking real. I need to get myself on the ball somehow. I need to get motivated.
I'm still waiting for the LEDA program to tell me if I have been accepted. I I do get passed this level in the application process, then I go on to a more extensive application and then if I pass that one, I will have an actual interview. Ugh! I want this soo bad. I mean, Princeton, for three months in the summer, for free? It will be sooo amazing! I also have other things in which I want to go to, but I think I have to put those on hold until the LEDA thing goes through. I wont find out if I got to the next step until February 3. And the anticipation rises. . . . .
I had planned on spending my day, praisin Jesus and spending some quality time with him as Sabbath was made to be spent, but regrettably, instead, I was on my computer all day. I hate my computer sometimes. It really does irk me.
Ya know, I have all these essays due and I haven't even touched any of them. I have math and history, ut for once I'm not stressing. But in the process of not stressing, i'm not doing. I think I'm going to have to lighten up the load somehow. I'm afraid if I load up next school year with all AP classes and cosmetology, I'm going to be screwed. I need to talk with my counselor about it. I'm thinking about taking statistics since I have to take it in college. If I pass the AP test, then I will not have to take it for college, but if I don't I will at least have a head start. I need to cut back on at least one AP class. I'm thinking either my history class or English class. See, when I go to college, those classes will be the blow off classes for me. Which is good if I need them for the not so easy science classes i'm going to have to take. If I am going to take the ROTC route, I need to keep my grades up. Ms. Harris knows i'm a good writer, but she also knows that I don't keep her class on the top of my priorities. Right now it's my math and science that are priority because those are the hardest.
Speaking of math, apparently my once thought A in pre-calc was just a fantasy. Apparently I got a 48 on my freaking test so now I have a 61 in there. Again. UGH! That REALLY pisses me off. I told myself I was going to do better, study harder and where did that get me? With the exact grade I passed with last semester. Unfreaking real. I need to get myself on the ball somehow. I need to get motivated.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Two Days Ago
I think I have to pee.... is that too personal? Eh, probably. I have been soo lazy lately! I have all this work due, but I really do want to do, but stupid Buffy the vampire slayer has been on since I got home from school and I really want to relax. I had a kind of bad day. Apparently in my lovely fawning over marine dude, I left my very expensive, custom made bomber jacket in the gym locket with my keys in them. Yeah. I had to run about a mile in 8 minutes to go get it from the gym and make it to school before the bell rang. Kind of sucky day. It's all cool though.
Sabbath day
I decided to try Sabbath on my own today. My family doesn't really practice it, at least the way it was intended to be practiced. Did you know that honoring the Sabbath was part of the ten commandments? I didn't. So, I figure, if it's int the ten most important guidelines, it must hold some value. To be honest, I know you're supposed to spend it praising and resting and just stopping your busy life to say "hey, I should do some Jesus time, ya know, send some knee-mails and such", but instead, I spent it watching the last four episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Love that show. But, it does distract me, I notice. I don't feel as focused as I usually am. I feel kind of, numb? No, that doesn't feel like the right word. I think that lazy may describe it better. I feel as though I just don't want to do anything dealing with the Lord. It bothers me because I wanna just be focused on only him and just be in his presence all the time. It makes me feel as though I'm cheating on God somehow.
You know what I mean?
Although a plus to watching that show gets me in the mood to train. Maybe call up marine dude so I can practice. I wanna go to the gym, I kind of want to run that half marathon with Travo, but I feel as though it is awkward between us. It's as if any time I try to just be friendly, act friend-like, he puts up his youth pastor walls because obviously i've crossed a boundary somehow. I don't know,it just really frustrates me. I think he feels I have some feelings for him or something and he's guarding himself. I don't. Sure, i've thought about it before, but I could never allow it to happen. I joke around a lot with Pixi about it, but that's an inside joke between us. Travo just gets his panties in a bunch and it just frustrates me. It also frustrates me when I see the young girls of my youth following him around like loyal golden labs. I know that makes me sound jealous, it just bothers me. It's mostly because I know it's a lost cause, but that's what we get for having a young and attractive youth leader. He is in the position of authority so it is absolutely normal. But it still bugs me.
I told myself I would start eating healthier, but it seems that ll I am doing is eating MORE food. That makes me mad, too. I have a lot of homework this weekend too. I think I have to pull another 18 hour thing. I had to cancel with Travo and the Harbor for going to the nursing home to sing to the elderly. I'm just so tired, and busy and I feel like I don't want to go. Is this the start of a burn-out? Am I really getting that bad? Last night I stayed in the shower for who knows how long and just sat there, feeling the water. I realized how fast time is going by!
I remember how while I was at my cousin Caroline's for about a month in Illinois, I was enjoying myself, being able to act like my age, having fun, having a normal life, and most of all, having true, love-filled family bonding time. I remember laying in bed at the end of the night and just crying because I felt like I couldn't stop time. I wanted it to stop, I was afraid because it was going by so fast. Is that what my life will be? Crying at the end of the day because I didn't stop to smell the roses? Oh how I miss them so much.
Well, I have a terrible headache, so, deuces.
You know what I mean?
Although a plus to watching that show gets me in the mood to train. Maybe call up marine dude so I can practice. I wanna go to the gym, I kind of want to run that half marathon with Travo, but I feel as though it is awkward between us. It's as if any time I try to just be friendly, act friend-like, he puts up his youth pastor walls because obviously i've crossed a boundary somehow. I don't know,it just really frustrates me. I think he feels I have some feelings for him or something and he's guarding himself. I don't. Sure, i've thought about it before, but I could never allow it to happen. I joke around a lot with Pixi about it, but that's an inside joke between us. Travo just gets his panties in a bunch and it just frustrates me. It also frustrates me when I see the young girls of my youth following him around like loyal golden labs. I know that makes me sound jealous, it just bothers me. It's mostly because I know it's a lost cause, but that's what we get for having a young and attractive youth leader. He is in the position of authority so it is absolutely normal. But it still bugs me.
I told myself I would start eating healthier, but it seems that ll I am doing is eating MORE food. That makes me mad, too. I have a lot of homework this weekend too. I think I have to pull another 18 hour thing. I had to cancel with Travo and the Harbor for going to the nursing home to sing to the elderly. I'm just so tired, and busy and I feel like I don't want to go. Is this the start of a burn-out? Am I really getting that bad? Last night I stayed in the shower for who knows how long and just sat there, feeling the water. I realized how fast time is going by!
I remember how while I was at my cousin Caroline's for about a month in Illinois, I was enjoying myself, being able to act like my age, having fun, having a normal life, and most of all, having true, love-filled family bonding time. I remember laying in bed at the end of the night and just crying because I felt like I couldn't stop time. I wanted it to stop, I was afraid because it was going by so fast. Is that what my life will be? Crying at the end of the day because I didn't stop to smell the roses? Oh how I miss them so much.
Well, I have a terrible headache, so, deuces.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Pipeline Express!
I had a very interesting day today..... it made me feel good. It's a pipe dream, but an absolute ego boost. It ended with a cyst on my hand and a number in my phone, but all in all, a good day. I had a realized day for once at school, it felt good. Service wen t great tonight, though I wish Xela would get on the ball with his strum patterns. It frustrates me because he'll do great in practice but when it gets to service, I cant rely on him to play lead guitar because he forgets the strum patterns. But other than that, we are improving sooooo much in the band. It's like a real worship service and I truly do believe it has to do with getting in the spirit, getting our mind on Christ. Pixi and granmal (pixi's sister) got me an awesome birthday present! It was sketch pencils with different lead sizes! It's so amazing! I'm going to use it so much.
After service I went home and Dad wanted to go to the gym so I decided to go with. While I was there, I decided to do some boxing and such in the yoga room. See, at the gym, we have this workout room that has windows to where you can see the workout area as well as the workout room. The workout room was where, like, Zoomba was, and Pilates and ect. Well, lovely me was just going all psycho on this punching bag and this guy saw me. See, earlier I was stretching in the room to start my workouts and most the time when I stretch I do my gymnastic and dance type stretching to keep my flexibility up. Well, there was this guy in there too (the same guy who saw me boxing) and he looked like the gay guy from my yoga class.... well, apparently he wasn't. So, im in the workout room boxing and I had just finished a combination when I look out and see this guy with this, kind of shocked, kind of impressed look on his face. I just kind of shrug and he decided he's going to walk into the room to talk to me. Apparently he's a marine who worked in the fighting-or-whatever thing (grappling I think it was) and so he knew a LOT about fighting and such. So, it is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt he is into me, but he obviously does not know my age. So, he's showing me a LOT of stuff (which I was sooo happy about). He said my stepping and feet stance was perfect, but my technique while punching . . . not so much. He showed me a lot that really was beneficial, although I could tell he was just trying to make me feel good when I did certain things wrong by "pretending it hurt" and such. It was cute, but on the inside I'm kind of using his ignorance of my age to my advantage to try and get as much fighting technique as I could. Well, my dad was there with me also, but he came in on it when we were moving of to another fighting technique. He just kind of stood there for a bit and watched (which later he told me the reason he didn't interrupt was because he knew that the info I was getting for free would normally cost a hundred bucks an hour) and then the guy and my dad started talking when I realized I was hitting so much that liquid started building up around my knuckles (i.e. the cyst). They started talking military and we stayed for about another hour. Dad told him of some job opportunities he could get while he was in the reserves and so being the sneaky person he was, he gave me his number and even offered to teach me more next time. Apparently there was going to be a next time . . .
His name was Henry and regrettably he was exactly my type, but once again, my age gets in the way and so I could never go for it. But it was still an ego burst. Next time I see him, I'll play the "How old do you think I am" game and he'll guess "twenty-three" and then ill laugh irrationally, then tell him my real age. Then he'll be like "nuh uh!" and i'll be like "uh huh" then it will get awkward because usually guys dont approach you unless they are physically attractive to you, which usually means they want to have sex with you. So since he will know that I am underage, he'll put up his walls and never do it again. Same old story. Gotta love it. But, (not that I want to have sex with anyone cause i'm saving it for marriage) it still disappointing me because he had the blue eyes, the dark hair, he was military, he had FREAKING DIMPLES. Ugh. But, the Lord has a plan. Always. Like I said, pipe dream, but ego boost nonetheless.
After service I went home and Dad wanted to go to the gym so I decided to go with. While I was there, I decided to do some boxing and such in the yoga room. See, at the gym, we have this workout room that has windows to where you can see the workout area as well as the workout room. The workout room was where, like, Zoomba was, and Pilates and ect. Well, lovely me was just going all psycho on this punching bag and this guy saw me. See, earlier I was stretching in the room to start my workouts and most the time when I stretch I do my gymnastic and dance type stretching to keep my flexibility up. Well, there was this guy in there too (the same guy who saw me boxing) and he looked like the gay guy from my yoga class.... well, apparently he wasn't. So, im in the workout room boxing and I had just finished a combination when I look out and see this guy with this, kind of shocked, kind of impressed look on his face. I just kind of shrug and he decided he's going to walk into the room to talk to me. Apparently he's a marine who worked in the fighting-or-whatever thing (grappling I think it was) and so he knew a LOT about fighting and such. So, it is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt he is into me, but he obviously does not know my age. So, he's showing me a LOT of stuff (which I was sooo happy about). He said my stepping and feet stance was perfect, but my technique while punching . . . not so much. He showed me a lot that really was beneficial, although I could tell he was just trying to make me feel good when I did certain things wrong by "pretending it hurt" and such. It was cute, but on the inside I'm kind of using his ignorance of my age to my advantage to try and get as much fighting technique as I could. Well, my dad was there with me also, but he came in on it when we were moving of to another fighting technique. He just kind of stood there for a bit and watched (which later he told me the reason he didn't interrupt was because he knew that the info I was getting for free would normally cost a hundred bucks an hour) and then the guy and my dad started talking when I realized I was hitting so much that liquid started building up around my knuckles (i.e. the cyst). They started talking military and we stayed for about another hour. Dad told him of some job opportunities he could get while he was in the reserves and so being the sneaky person he was, he gave me his number and even offered to teach me more next time. Apparently there was going to be a next time . . .
His name was Henry and regrettably he was exactly my type, but once again, my age gets in the way and so I could never go for it. But it was still an ego burst. Next time I see him, I'll play the "How old do you think I am" game and he'll guess "twenty-three" and then ill laugh irrationally, then tell him my real age. Then he'll be like "nuh uh!" and i'll be like "uh huh" then it will get awkward because usually guys dont approach you unless they are physically attractive to you, which usually means they want to have sex with you. So since he will know that I am underage, he'll put up his walls and never do it again. Same old story. Gotta love it. But, (not that I want to have sex with anyone cause i'm saving it for marriage) it still disappointing me because he had the blue eyes, the dark hair, he was military, he had FREAKING DIMPLES. Ugh. But, the Lord has a plan. Always. Like I said, pipe dream, but ego boost nonetheless.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Forbidden fruit
So as I write this blog, I have to keep reminding myself that THIS IS FOR ME. For once, I need to uncensor myself because this is how I vent each day. It'a way for me to record my thought so that when I'm thirty with two kids and a master's, I'll be able to reminisce on how easy my days were back when.
Today, once again, did not go as planned. My cosmetology test for competition went great, I did it in about ten minutes or so because I knew all the answers already. I finally figured out what fantasy makeup I want to do for competition. I'm doing a version of a cat from the broadway musical Cats. Who figured? That happened, and then I talked to an army recruiter during lunch. I know i'm not supposed to listen to recruiters because they just want to get money for ya, but I have seriously considered it and researched it. Since I want to become a surgical PA, I can go to college with the army ROTC where they will pay for everything and then I'll be commissioned as an officer. There is a VERY low chance of me going over seas in about six years, so it should work out great. I really believe this is a very safe option for me, but once again, I must remind myself that this is an option. I have so many more things that I can do with my life. Heck, I could be going to Hillsong Australia for all I know. I could become some famous christian or country singer where I can spread the good news and such. Only God knows.
I kind of got frustrated at school today because pretty much all of the studying and work that I did was for nothing. It's all happening TOMORROW. The tests, the make-up work, the essays. All tomorrow. I also found out that I hurt someone's feelings without realizing it.
My friend Kurt and I were talking and I was telling him about how disappointed I was that I couldn't make 4.0 club at my school because I had a D and 3 C's o my transcript. He told me how lucky I was to even have as high of a grade point average as I do because he doesn't believe he is smart so even a 3.0 would be good for him. I count Kurt as a very good friend of mine and I do respect his opinion. I was upset and brought up how it still disappointed me because my entire goal of high school was the get a 4.0 and get into 4.0 club. Now all i'll have is a 3.8. It really bugged me to be honest. I worked really hard to get what I got but it wasn't good enough. Apparently I was being inconsiderate and made him feel bad because I wasn't grateful for what I did have. So, today I apologized to him and I don't remember what he said. But we were cool.
More happened today, but I really do not feel like going into more detail. I had band practice after I went to the gym and it went very well and I cant wait for Wednesday. On the way home, I finally told Travis how I have been feeling lately about me and him. I feel as though he's just being youth-pastorey with me. Me and him used to be real close friends but lately I haven't been feeling it. I finally told him and he didn't think he had been, but apologized anyways. To be honest, I felt as though he was putting up walls so that I wouldn't get any wrong ideas with him because so many of the girls in my youth have the biggest crush on him and follow him around like loyal golden retrievers. Sure, I am attracted to him in some ways, but I cannot think of those types of things, because 1) this is at church and can become distracting 2)I am underage and so I am considered "jailbait" 3) I am not in the position to be in a committed relationship because of still being in school 4)Say something ever were to happen, it could potentially hurt the youth (which are my babies).
Okay, eyes are drooping now :) I need to sleep.
If you're reading this all the way through, please know that Jesus loves you!
Today, once again, did not go as planned. My cosmetology test for competition went great, I did it in about ten minutes or so because I knew all the answers already. I finally figured out what fantasy makeup I want to do for competition. I'm doing a version of a cat from the broadway musical Cats. Who figured? That happened, and then I talked to an army recruiter during lunch. I know i'm not supposed to listen to recruiters because they just want to get money for ya, but I have seriously considered it and researched it. Since I want to become a surgical PA, I can go to college with the army ROTC where they will pay for everything and then I'll be commissioned as an officer. There is a VERY low chance of me going over seas in about six years, so it should work out great. I really believe this is a very safe option for me, but once again, I must remind myself that this is an option. I have so many more things that I can do with my life. Heck, I could be going to Hillsong Australia for all I know. I could become some famous christian or country singer where I can spread the good news and such. Only God knows.
I kind of got frustrated at school today because pretty much all of the studying and work that I did was for nothing. It's all happening TOMORROW. The tests, the make-up work, the essays. All tomorrow. I also found out that I hurt someone's feelings without realizing it.
My friend Kurt and I were talking and I was telling him about how disappointed I was that I couldn't make 4.0 club at my school because I had a D and 3 C's o my transcript. He told me how lucky I was to even have as high of a grade point average as I do because he doesn't believe he is smart so even a 3.0 would be good for him. I count Kurt as a very good friend of mine and I do respect his opinion. I was upset and brought up how it still disappointed me because my entire goal of high school was the get a 4.0 and get into 4.0 club. Now all i'll have is a 3.8. It really bugged me to be honest. I worked really hard to get what I got but it wasn't good enough. Apparently I was being inconsiderate and made him feel bad because I wasn't grateful for what I did have. So, today I apologized to him and I don't remember what he said. But we were cool.
More happened today, but I really do not feel like going into more detail. I had band practice after I went to the gym and it went very well and I cant wait for Wednesday. On the way home, I finally told Travis how I have been feeling lately about me and him. I feel as though he's just being youth-pastorey with me. Me and him used to be real close friends but lately I haven't been feeling it. I finally told him and he didn't think he had been, but apologized anyways. To be honest, I felt as though he was putting up walls so that I wouldn't get any wrong ideas with him because so many of the girls in my youth have the biggest crush on him and follow him around like loyal golden retrievers. Sure, I am attracted to him in some ways, but I cannot think of those types of things, because 1) this is at church and can become distracting 2)I am underage and so I am considered "jailbait" 3) I am not in the position to be in a committed relationship because of still being in school 4)Say something ever were to happen, it could potentially hurt the youth (which are my babies).
Okay, eyes are drooping now :) I need to sleep.
If you're reading this all the way through, please know that Jesus loves you!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Mountain from a mole hill
I feel like a got a lot more accomplished tonight. Being the lovely young person that I am, I forgot my phone at home today when I went to church. I didn't think anything of it, but I did regret it later. Me and Pixi (my best chick friend) are fighting right now. Okay, may "fighting" isn't the right word, but we're just kind of getting on each other's nerves because we're around each other so much. We see each other all the time. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but too much of ANYTHING is not healthy. See, the problem is, is that I'm too insensitive and she's too sensitive. She cries over the most trivial things and I don't sugar coat things when she asks me for advice. I hate sugar-coating things. It gets no where and can even be the exact opposite of what they need. I mean, I'm not completely insensitive, but I don't really care about anything but school and church. I want to help those who are hurting and such, but when they throw a pity party for themselves it gets on my nerves. I do not like it when people are hypochondriacs. " I can't decide between this guy or this guy (whiny voice)" or " What if, what if what if". To be honest though, even I am cursed with the "What if" thing. I over analyze, over think things. It's really not healthy either, but hey, everyone's got their own issues.
Well, back to the phone thing. You see, I am currently in cosmetology school and a lot of people allow me to cut their hair. I do not get paid because where I live that's illegal if you are not licensed. But, as a student, I can still practice. Pixi's mom and brother asked me to cut their hair and I agreed. This was about two week ago, I would say, and I marked down on my calender and everything. Well, somehow I forgot to tell me mother. She heard me mention it yesterday, so I thought she already knew about it. So, today after church, I just went home with them so I could go do their hair. I though about calling my parents to let them know I didn't have my phone, but I got distracted. About four hours later, I called my mom and she was mad at me because she thought I had my phone and I didn't call her. Apparently she didn't know I was cutting hair and so she flipped out. This is a completely understandable flip out, but to be honest, I really DID think that she knew. That's why I didn't bother with it.
Something else you must know about me, is that I have a habit of making plans without telling my parents what's going on in my life. My life is so busy, between the organisations am part of or lead in my community, band practice (I'm a worship leader), school, and when I have the time, I job. I get so caught up in my won world, acting like an adult that when I live my life, I don't really think about asking someone else if it's okay. Even at my age, I have sooo many responsibilities and people dependent on me that I am so worried about pleasing them before I even can think about okaying it with my parents. But his lovely flaw of mine has bit me in the butt quite a few times. Well, especially lately, I have been working on it. I mean, a lot. It was a COMPLETE accident what I did today, because I really have been trying to make an effort to check in with Mom and Dad.
So I go home and find out that they have turned my phone off. Lovely. I flipped to be honest (on the inside). I acted to mom as if I didn't care because I was not in the wrong this time. The reason I didn't answer my phone was because I didn't have it on me. They thought I had it and just wasn't answering. Well, with this lovely let-down to my parents, my fighting with Pixi, and my increasing amounts of screw ups, I finally just broke down. I had had enough. I felt like my relationship with God was becoming weaker and that I wasn't making any effort to be with him. So finally I broke down today, questioning why I was becoming so screwed up lately. I never lose my composure, but I guess even I a breaking point.
And you wanna know what?
It felt good.
I immediately felt the Lord around me, comforting me, and telling me that it was about time I stopped trying to do it myself. I had this anger inside of me that I placed upon myself. I was condemning myself, allowing the enemy to attack me as I just laid there helplessly while God was screaming on the other side of the wall that I put up to let him help me. I found him when I fell apart.... That is my favorite song, ya know? It really describes me, especially with my pride issues.
I had planned to do homework for the remaining six hours I had for Sunday, but this anger and depressed feeling and ashamed feeling was so strong that I just laid in bed and cried for a few hours. Soon I fell asleep and would wake up every thirty minutes and just be so.... angry. Like these random outbursts. Soon I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. Around 6:30 or so, I finally got off my butt to start homework for school tomorrow. I got all my flashcards done for my skills USA test and ch.16/17 review sheet finished which also pretty much counted as 16/17 notes in APUS. I got all my notes done from history! I am so proud of myself! :)
I feel a lot better than earlier and I talked to my father and told him that I didn't have my phone on me. He didn't seem mad, he just said he wasn't aware of that and he was going to turn my phone back on. Then I realized that I had just made a mountain out of a mole hill: the absolute irony in that! Life is good, but I just keep looking at the bad. I have food in my stomach, roof over my head, a family and church who loves me, and AMAZING God who is always there for me and I have free education. What else is there?
I hope, for those who may come across this blog in the future, that I can encourage you, show you my Jesus, and show that you're not the only one who is imperfect. Heck, I'm a screw up too, but that doesn't matter. It's a thing of the past. With every new day comes new opportunity- the only thing you have to do is make the most out of it.
Well, back to the phone thing. You see, I am currently in cosmetology school and a lot of people allow me to cut their hair. I do not get paid because where I live that's illegal if you are not licensed. But, as a student, I can still practice. Pixi's mom and brother asked me to cut their hair and I agreed. This was about two week ago, I would say, and I marked down on my calender and everything. Well, somehow I forgot to tell me mother. She heard me mention it yesterday, so I thought she already knew about it. So, today after church, I just went home with them so I could go do their hair. I though about calling my parents to let them know I didn't have my phone, but I got distracted. About four hours later, I called my mom and she was mad at me because she thought I had my phone and I didn't call her. Apparently she didn't know I was cutting hair and so she flipped out. This is a completely understandable flip out, but to be honest, I really DID think that she knew. That's why I didn't bother with it.
Something else you must know about me, is that I have a habit of making plans without telling my parents what's going on in my life. My life is so busy, between the organisations am part of or lead in my community, band practice (I'm a worship leader), school, and when I have the time, I job. I get so caught up in my won world, acting like an adult that when I live my life, I don't really think about asking someone else if it's okay. Even at my age, I have sooo many responsibilities and people dependent on me that I am so worried about pleasing them before I even can think about okaying it with my parents. But his lovely flaw of mine has bit me in the butt quite a few times. Well, especially lately, I have been working on it. I mean, a lot. It was a COMPLETE accident what I did today, because I really have been trying to make an effort to check in with Mom and Dad.
So I go home and find out that they have turned my phone off. Lovely. I flipped to be honest (on the inside). I acted to mom as if I didn't care because I was not in the wrong this time. The reason I didn't answer my phone was because I didn't have it on me. They thought I had it and just wasn't answering. Well, with this lovely let-down to my parents, my fighting with Pixi, and my increasing amounts of screw ups, I finally just broke down. I had had enough. I felt like my relationship with God was becoming weaker and that I wasn't making any effort to be with him. So finally I broke down today, questioning why I was becoming so screwed up lately. I never lose my composure, but I guess even I a breaking point.
And you wanna know what?
It felt good.
I immediately felt the Lord around me, comforting me, and telling me that it was about time I stopped trying to do it myself. I had this anger inside of me that I placed upon myself. I was condemning myself, allowing the enemy to attack me as I just laid there helplessly while God was screaming on the other side of the wall that I put up to let him help me. I found him when I fell apart.... That is my favorite song, ya know? It really describes me, especially with my pride issues.
I had planned to do homework for the remaining six hours I had for Sunday, but this anger and depressed feeling and ashamed feeling was so strong that I just laid in bed and cried for a few hours. Soon I fell asleep and would wake up every thirty minutes and just be so.... angry. Like these random outbursts. Soon I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. Around 6:30 or so, I finally got off my butt to start homework for school tomorrow. I got all my flashcards done for my skills USA test and ch.16/17 review sheet finished which also pretty much counted as 16/17 notes in APUS. I got all my notes done from history! I am so proud of myself! :)
I feel a lot better than earlier and I talked to my father and told him that I didn't have my phone on me. He didn't seem mad, he just said he wasn't aware of that and he was going to turn my phone back on. Then I realized that I had just made a mountain out of a mole hill: the absolute irony in that! Life is good, but I just keep looking at the bad. I have food in my stomach, roof over my head, a family and church who loves me, and AMAZING God who is always there for me and I have free education. What else is there?
I hope, for those who may come across this blog in the future, that I can encourage you, show you my Jesus, and show that you're not the only one who is imperfect. Heck, I'm a screw up too, but that doesn't matter. It's a thing of the past. With every new day comes new opportunity- the only thing you have to do is make the most out of it.
Tired
Last night Willow and I talked until about three at night. I was sooooo tired this morning at school. I woke up late, got dressed as normal, and then continued to my regular routine. I can't allow a 48-hours-horror story to occur, so i'm sorry to say, that no, I will not be telling you my true name. But i'll just call myself Fay. My best friend gave me that nickname a long time ago and it has stuck ever since. I am but a teenager. Nice.
Food is good
Willow says I stress too much. Is that true, though? The only way I am going to succeed in life is to try my hardest and trust in the Lord. School is VERY important to me. I mean, I spent the entire day of my birthday doing HOMEWORK! Although I thoroughly enjoyed it because I am weird, I must say that I feel like it gives me something to complain about. "Oh, you think you had a bad birthday? I spent twelve hours on schoolwork and stayed in bed all day. Suck on that!" Yepp, that will bring some shame. I think I like this blog-thingy. Really it's more for me than for anyone else. I really like it. I always thought blogs were stupid and only for people who wanted attention because they weren't getting it in the bedroom. Maybe that's my problem.
Nah. I dont need it.
Imma save it for marriage.
I am quite proud of myself for today. I mean, the ending of right now, not so much. I got to give some things to the Lord that I seem to have to keep giving over and over again. I dont know what impulses me to eat all that food but it happens. Ugh. Ill get over it soon enough. It will be satisfied for a bit and then that little thought of eating way too much will slip in and i'll tell myself "No Fay, you dont need it" and I dont even think about telling it that I have power over it through christ and all those stupid thoughts about it have no precedent within my spirit. But what happens? I dont remember when it does come! It's like freezing up in combat. Only this is the battlefield of the mind. Well screw you saving private Ryan!
If getting older has taught me anything, it's not to look back. Though I do have a habit of reminiscing, I realize that I need to stay grounded and have a good view on reality. I can't change the past. I can hypocritically analyze it and tell other people's what not to do, but either way: I am living on borrowed time. For all I know, I could be dead in December. Either way. I was sent here on earth for two reasons and two reasons only: Glorify God and spread his love to others. That should give me the oppurtunity to have the mono o mono with God in heaven. That's the goal. Not getting into heaven, but seein Jesus. Can't wait.
I got nominated to do this National Youth Leadership in Medicine deal. It costs about 2,000 dollars, but apparently a lot of community organizations sponsor prospective students who take an interest in their future careers.Since I want to go into the medical field, I REALLY want to go to this thing. I get to see waht different types of specialties are like and work with real doctors. I would finally be able to see if this is really what I want to pursue in life! But I'll see where the Lord leads me and provides.
Well, once again, I am soo beat and I got choich in the morning. Birthday went swell and life is going on. At least I got my special day to myself and relaxed. Food is good and God is better lol
Nah. I dont need it.
Imma save it for marriage.
I am quite proud of myself for today. I mean, the ending of right now, not so much. I got to give some things to the Lord that I seem to have to keep giving over and over again. I dont know what impulses me to eat all that food but it happens. Ugh. Ill get over it soon enough. It will be satisfied for a bit and then that little thought of eating way too much will slip in and i'll tell myself "No Fay, you dont need it" and I dont even think about telling it that I have power over it through christ and all those stupid thoughts about it have no precedent within my spirit. But what happens? I dont remember when it does come! It's like freezing up in combat. Only this is the battlefield of the mind. Well screw you saving private Ryan!
If getting older has taught me anything, it's not to look back. Though I do have a habit of reminiscing, I realize that I need to stay grounded and have a good view on reality. I can't change the past. I can hypocritically analyze it and tell other people's what not to do, but either way: I am living on borrowed time. For all I know, I could be dead in December. Either way. I was sent here on earth for two reasons and two reasons only: Glorify God and spread his love to others. That should give me the oppurtunity to have the mono o mono with God in heaven. That's the goal. Not getting into heaven, but seein Jesus. Can't wait.
I got nominated to do this National Youth Leadership in Medicine deal. It costs about 2,000 dollars, but apparently a lot of community organizations sponsor prospective students who take an interest in their future careers.Since I want to go into the medical field, I REALLY want to go to this thing. I get to see waht different types of specialties are like and work with real doctors. I would finally be able to see if this is really what I want to pursue in life! But I'll see where the Lord leads me and provides.
Well, once again, I am soo beat and I got choich in the morning. Birthday went swell and life is going on. At least I got my special day to myself and relaxed. Food is good and God is better lol
Friday, January 20, 2012
Happy birthday to me....
So, today is my birthday. There was no big party, no big celebration, just a night out with friends. Though I did enjoy a lot of the night, I can honestly say my day sucked. I've already had a terrible week and this day did not make it any better. Right now, it's just after midnight, so technically I celebrated my birthday yesterday. I didn't want a party, just my closest friends all together and hanging out. I wanted to prove, even to myself, that I had finally found true friends who actual find an interest in me. Not me trying too hard, not me inviting people in order to show how big I can get a party. But actually celebrate my birth with the people who actually cared and made an effort to have a relationship with me. I invited about eleven different people to come over, spend the night, ya know, enjoy the night. Well, one was sick, two had to work, one had to cook, one never called me back, two people's mom's would not allow it and then two people did come. At first, no one but my friend Morgan was coming and she wasn't even spending the night! Even my best friend Amanda didn't want to come. She was being all emotional and not feeling well so I wasn't too worried about it.
The only thing I really wanted for my birthday was one of those edible creations (the fruit bouquet) things and I would be happy. I just wanted to be surrounded with people who loved me (not in a stuck up way) and that I loved as well. I just.... It just really upset me when no one could make it. Megan and Amanda came and my amazing mother brought up that since no one could stay that we should just go to the movies. See, me as a poor kid, you learn not to ask for parties that have anything to do with spending excess money. Like the movies or incredible pizza's. You just don't do it. That's why I was so shocked about my mom bringing it up. She has been soooooo nice! I love my mom even though we get on each other's nerves so much.
I have so much homework to do this weekend. I have 5 tests on monday which super sucks considering that his is my birthday weekend and I have to study nonstop. And do make-up work from missing school due to minor surgery(I got my wisdom teeth cut out, not fun). All together, about 24 hours worth of homework to do.
Right now im super tired... so I think ill go to bed. There is sooo much more that has happened within the last few days I would like to vent about, but no one really cares to read a BUTT load of my issues. So, my lovely blogger family, deuces on my birthday. Let's hope that I hae a nice day. I need to pray . . . .:(
The only thing I really wanted for my birthday was one of those edible creations (the fruit bouquet) things and I would be happy. I just wanted to be surrounded with people who loved me (not in a stuck up way) and that I loved as well. I just.... It just really upset me when no one could make it. Megan and Amanda came and my amazing mother brought up that since no one could stay that we should just go to the movies. See, me as a poor kid, you learn not to ask for parties that have anything to do with spending excess money. Like the movies or incredible pizza's. You just don't do it. That's why I was so shocked about my mom bringing it up. She has been soooooo nice! I love my mom even though we get on each other's nerves so much.
I have so much homework to do this weekend. I have 5 tests on monday which super sucks considering that his is my birthday weekend and I have to study nonstop. And do make-up work from missing school due to minor surgery(I got my wisdom teeth cut out, not fun). All together, about 24 hours worth of homework to do.
Right now im super tired... so I think ill go to bed. There is sooo much more that has happened within the last few days I would like to vent about, but no one really cares to read a BUTT load of my issues. So, my lovely blogger family, deuces on my birthday. Let's hope that I hae a nice day. I need to pray . . . .:(
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