I feel like a got a lot more accomplished tonight. Being the lovely young person that I am, I forgot my phone at home today when I went to church. I didn't think anything of it, but I did regret it later. Me and Pixi (my best chick friend) are fighting right now. Okay, may "fighting" isn't the right word, but we're just kind of getting on each other's nerves because we're around each other so much. We see each other all the time. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but too much of ANYTHING is not healthy. See, the problem is, is that I'm too insensitive and she's too sensitive. She cries over the most trivial things and I don't sugar coat things when she asks me for advice. I hate sugar-coating things. It gets no where and can even be the exact opposite of what they need. I mean, I'm not completely insensitive, but I don't really care about anything but school and church. I want to help those who are hurting and such, but when they throw a pity party for themselves it gets on my nerves. I do not like it when people are hypochondriacs. " I can't decide between this guy or this guy (whiny voice)" or " What if, what if what if". To be honest though, even I am cursed with the "What if" thing. I over analyze, over think things. It's really not healthy either, but hey, everyone's got their own issues.
Well, back to the phone thing. You see, I am currently in cosmetology school and a lot of people allow me to cut their hair. I do not get paid because where I live that's illegal if you are not licensed. But, as a student, I can still practice. Pixi's mom and brother asked me to cut their hair and I agreed. This was about two week ago, I would say, and I marked down on my calender and everything. Well, somehow I forgot to tell me mother. She heard me mention it yesterday, so I thought she already knew about it. So, today after church, I just went home with them so I could go do their hair. I though about calling my parents to let them know I didn't have my phone, but I got distracted. About four hours later, I called my mom and she was mad at me because she thought I had my phone and I didn't call her. Apparently she didn't know I was cutting hair and so she flipped out. This is a completely understandable flip out, but to be honest, I really DID think that she knew. That's why I didn't bother with it.
Something else you must know about me, is that I have a habit of making plans without telling my parents what's going on in my life. My life is so busy, between the organisations am part of or lead in my community, band practice (I'm a worship leader), school, and when I have the time, I job. I get so caught up in my won world, acting like an adult that when I live my life, I don't really think about asking someone else if it's okay. Even at my age, I have sooo many responsibilities and people dependent on me that I am so worried about pleasing them before I even can think about okaying it with my parents. But his lovely flaw of mine has bit me in the butt quite a few times. Well, especially lately, I have been working on it. I mean, a lot. It was a COMPLETE accident what I did today, because I really have been trying to make an effort to check in with Mom and Dad.
So I go home and find out that they have turned my phone off. Lovely. I flipped to be honest (on the inside). I acted to mom as if I didn't care because I was not in the wrong this time. The reason I didn't answer my phone was because I didn't have it on me. They thought I had it and just wasn't answering. Well, with this lovely let-down to my parents, my fighting with Pixi, and my increasing amounts of screw ups, I finally just broke down. I had had enough. I felt like my relationship with God was becoming weaker and that I wasn't making any effort to be with him. So finally I broke down today, questioning why I was becoming so screwed up lately. I never lose my composure, but I guess even I a breaking point.
And you wanna know what?
It felt good.
I immediately felt the Lord around me, comforting me, and telling me that it was about time I stopped trying to do it myself. I had this anger inside of me that I placed upon myself. I was condemning myself, allowing the enemy to attack me as I just laid there helplessly while God was screaming on the other side of the wall that I put up to let him help me. I found him when I fell apart.... That is my favorite song, ya know? It really describes me, especially with my pride issues.
I had planned to do homework for the remaining six hours I had for Sunday, but this anger and depressed feeling and ashamed feeling was so strong that I just laid in bed and cried for a few hours. Soon I fell asleep and would wake up every thirty minutes and just be so.... angry. Like these random outbursts. Soon I forgot why I was doing it in the first place. Around 6:30 or so, I finally got off my butt to start homework for school tomorrow. I got all my flashcards done for my skills USA test and ch.16/17 review sheet finished which also pretty much counted as 16/17 notes in APUS. I got all my notes done from history! I am so proud of myself! :)
I feel a lot better than earlier and I talked to my father and told him that I didn't have my phone on me. He didn't seem mad, he just said he wasn't aware of that and he was going to turn my phone back on. Then I realized that I had just made a mountain out of a mole hill: the absolute irony in that! Life is good, but I just keep looking at the bad. I have food in my stomach, roof over my head, a family and church who loves me, and AMAZING God who is always there for me and I have free education. What else is there?
I hope, for those who may come across this blog in the future, that I can encourage you, show you my Jesus, and show that you're not the only one who is imperfect. Heck, I'm a screw up too, but that doesn't matter. It's a thing of the past. With every new day comes new opportunity- the only thing you have to do is make the most out of it.
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