Some poor girl's chasity

<p>Recently I have pondered the thought of having sex this year. My first thoughts about it was that, " no, that would be hypocritical Fay," then the next was, " is my future husband really going to care if I've gotten laid before?" Then my next thought was to ask Pixi. So during church I asked her about it and she just kind of looked at me, then said, " you are just like me when I was your age!" Then she gave me a hug.
    Not very helpful bes fwend.
     I told her I felt as if by the end of this year it would probably be gone just to get it over with. She just kind of looked at me and said, "Fay, you're going to want to keep it. I know you and when you get married, whomever the lord blesses you with, your going to regret not having that gift to give him." I said okay and then we decided to go walk to youth.<br>
&#160;&#160;&#160;&#160; That night, one of my many mother figures took me home; she is my youth pastor's mother. On our way out she asked me to pray for her brother that we could be in agreement that he will be healed. You see, our lesson last night was called, " I got a good feeling," and Travo remarked that even in our worst times, the lord never walks away; but it's what is truly in our hearts that will come out during hard times. So if you're filling your life with hate filled things or negativity or even acting perverted with your friends, that what goes in is what's gonna come out. He also made a point that when someone who witnesses as a christian " slips up" and says a cuss word when they get mad, it wasn't a mistake, they knew what they were doing.
      Somehow within the lesson, kenneth, travo's brother in law who is also a youth leader,  got onto the topic of Job. Even though Job went through hell, he didn't say one word against God or turned against him. Sure, Job told him how he felt, but he never turned away.  This story always made me wonder why God allowed the enemy to hurt Job. I knew my God wasn't like that at all. Well, Cindy,  travo's mom explained it to me: the things like sickness and tragedy does not come from the Lord, it comes from the enemy. See, the lord doesn't need you in heaven. Sure, he would like you to be there with him, but he needs you here so you can show others the love of christ. Tragedy will strike, but the pain will not be from the lord. Sure, the lord will take things from you when you are placing them above him because he is a jealous God, but he is always there to bring hope to you and comfort you after. He just want you to rely on him and let him love you. Among that, I saw a post by Joyce Meyer saying " if the all knowing God of creation recommends to do something, It would probably be wise to follow his advise because he obviously knows more than me. And i trust in him, so imma try my best and ask the holy spirit what to do.

Jump and fall... maybe

So I am going to stop whatever is going on with me and Trey. We used to date, but now we still like each other but he's still in love with his lesbian x girlfriend becca. She's also a main reason we broke up. She gets mad because he's dating me and because he's still whipped, he breaks it off. Lately we have just been figuritively dancing around each other which confuses me to no end. Either way, its not fair or healthy to me and I believe that it's time to move on.
      Another good friend of mine named Will has seemed to express interest in me lately and I believe I really do like him. Today something he said struck a chord in me and I can't seem to forget. I asked him if he liked classics ( as in books and such) and he's like " I love them. I just want a girl who I can be able to sit down and watch old movies all day like Rasputin ".  I was thinking " wow, I've never heard a guy say that before! Well,  anywho, I kind of want to persue thks further. I even made him a korny skyrim valentines day card. It has a heart with an arrow shot through it and says " screw an arrow in the heart..." and on the inside it says, "I would take an arrow in the knee if you would be my Valentine ". It looks freakin legit!
     Anyway,  wish me luck. I actual have an interest in this dude.

Whoreverville

I feel like a whore.  Unless this is what feeling like a boy -crazed hormonal teenager feels like. Any scrap of attention from anyone with a penis and I'm already testing last names. Ugh. What is wrong with me? Oh wait, nothing. I'm just probably over analyzing everything as usual.... splurt is now over.

Love, sex and Valentino

Passing on something in order to receive something better is not a sacrifice,  it's an investment. Who cares if you can decode me, I am not the important one here. It's not about me. It's about Him. His love. I need that love and that's all it's about. You cannot calculate it's mass, you cannot analyze it in order to understand it. It just is. It's not selfish, it is the center of all that is good. Beneficial. If you do not know God,  you do not know true love- or even how to love me. I am in relationships for love, not a temporary feeling. His love never fails <3
          Happy Valentine's day, you are loved.

Rolling in the Deep

    I know I haven't really used this thing for a while, but right now I am going to use it right :). SO interesting week, I must say. Had an interesting encounter with marine dude. We talked for a few hours, finally established each other's age. I am still jail bate, he still reminds me of a manwhore. . . . So life is now going on. But, SERIOUSLY! This guy got in my head. He was an data analysis guy for the military and he also knows behavioral analysis and read me like a book. This of course pissed me off to no end, but that's the ego talking.
    SPEAKING OF EGO: Today I was supposed to do praise and worship for FCA, which turned out to be an entire disaster, and I even brought my guitar to school. Well, A girl in named Lori decided since apparently I'm not up to her standards in guitar playing apparently even though Ive been a worship leader for about a year now AND Ive been playing for at least that long. The most hilarious part is that she wasn't even able to get the strum pattern. But I cannot think about that. All that matters is that students were able to come together in the name of Christ in a public place and praise him- and I cannot let my jealousy or ego get in the way!
    Guess what! I got the understudy role for the MAIN character in footloose! I'm already a character, but I got the understudy for it! I was so excited. I feel bad though. My friend Becca can never seem to get a lead role and it really upsets her because she's a senior and she tries so hard. I don't know what to tell her! Her vocals aren't very good, but she has good acting. But musicals are mostly singing . . . I want to tell her that maybe next time or something but . . ..  UGH! I just- it makes me feel bad about having a good role. I feel like I can't express myself (and im not trying to sound stuck up or anything) without someone being all depressed because they wanted what I got. I have to be humble about it, and I do try. But am I not allowed to be happy that I tried hard for something and got it? It's not my fault that Im able to do certain things. There are plenty of stuff that I would like to be able to do . . . like MATH. But I can't. And I do get depressed about it. But I want to be able to express my happiness that I finally achieved something for myself. I'm allowed to be happy. I just don't know what to say to those who didn't get what they wanted. Get over it? That's too harsh. Maybe next time? Why lie when they're just going to get hurt again? This is why I just walk next to them silently a they vent and let them come to terms with things.
     Now speaking of math! Today, my amazing teacher- Ms. Cahill totally gained a butt more respect from me! Today I had my guitar with me and she asked if she could play it and, of course, I agreed. First she wanted me to play the class something and I was like "ummm, you gotta give me a song or something" so she decided to start playing "Rolling in the Deep" and said "sing!" so she started singing it and I joined and it was AMAZING! I'm talking revolutionary! I love her! It was amazing! Ya know, just in the middle of class, singing Adele like it's nothing, two part harmony and everything. So Amazing.