I decided to try Sabbath on my own today. My family doesn't really practice it, at least the way it was intended to be practiced. Did you know that honoring the Sabbath was part of the ten commandments? I didn't. So, I figure, if it's int the ten most important guidelines, it must hold some value. To be honest, I know you're supposed to spend it praising and resting and just stopping your busy life to say "hey, I should do some Jesus time, ya know, send some knee-mails and such", but instead, I spent it watching the last four episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Love that show. But, it does distract me, I notice. I don't feel as focused as I usually am. I feel kind of, numb? No, that doesn't feel like the right word. I think that lazy may describe it better. I feel as though I just don't want to do anything dealing with the Lord. It bothers me because I wanna just be focused on only him and just be in his presence all the time. It makes me feel as though I'm cheating on God somehow.
You know what I mean?
Although a plus to watching that show gets me in the mood to train. Maybe call up marine dude so I can practice. I wanna go to the gym, I kind of want to run that half marathon with Travo, but I feel as though it is awkward between us. It's as if any time I try to just be friendly, act friend-like, he puts up his youth pastor walls because obviously i've crossed a boundary somehow. I don't know,it just really frustrates me. I think he feels I have some feelings for him or something and he's guarding himself. I don't. Sure, i've thought about it before, but I could never allow it to happen. I joke around a lot with Pixi about it, but that's an inside joke between us. Travo just gets his panties in a bunch and it just frustrates me. It also frustrates me when I see the young girls of my youth following him around like loyal golden labs. I know that makes me sound jealous, it just bothers me. It's mostly because I know it's a lost cause, but that's what we get for having a young and attractive youth leader. He is in the position of authority so it is absolutely normal. But it still bugs me.
I told myself I would start eating healthier, but it seems that ll I am doing is eating MORE food. That makes me mad, too. I have a lot of homework this weekend too. I think I have to pull another 18 hour thing. I had to cancel with Travo and the Harbor for going to the nursing home to sing to the elderly. I'm just so tired, and busy and I feel like I don't want to go. Is this the start of a burn-out? Am I really getting that bad? Last night I stayed in the shower for who knows how long and just sat there, feeling the water. I realized how fast time is going by!
I remember how while I was at my cousin Caroline's for about a month in Illinois, I was enjoying myself, being able to act like my age, having fun, having a normal life, and most of all, having true, love-filled family bonding time. I remember laying in bed at the end of the night and just crying because I felt like I couldn't stop time. I wanted it to stop, I was afraid because it was going by so fast. Is that what my life will be? Crying at the end of the day because I didn't stop to smell the roses? Oh how I miss them so much.
Well, I have a terrible headache, so, deuces.
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