No Matter What

     I have no idea why in the heck I feel this way. All I know is that it's over a guy that I have no right to feel horrible about. At home, it seems that anytime something isn't right within the youth, Malana has to be the one to take the hell for it. Or if Travis does something, "Malana, you need to talk to Travis about this and this and this." It's not my problem! I'm tired of taking up for him or his mom on things because I'm barely even able to talk to him anymore. He doesn't let me. I don't let myself. It's sad when you start to see how many days you can go without talking to someone. But it hurts. I'm not even going to lie. I miss what it was. But there's nothing I can do about it. I KNOW the Lord told us to stop whatever it was we were doing. And we agreed to do it. But, honestly, I didn't think that meant cutting off all contact.
     It's not that I miss anything on the "more than friends" part, but I miss being able to talk to him period. He made me laugh, helped me be accountable, kept me up to date on sports, it was easier to lead the youth because I knew he had my back. Now there's this disconnect, at least that's what it feels like on my end. And Im tired of every time we go out on a youth event, or he has to take me home after practice, that I have to (well, not pretend) but when im with him, be reminded of what's missing but still act happy. I keep telling myself to be glad he's even talking to me when he does, and that when he's ready or feels the Lord lead, that he will be comfortable to let me back into his life. But im tired of leaving his vehicle all joyous, when really on the inside I feel like ive been punched in the gut. So I go inside my room, try not to think about it and just focus on the Lord, but still end of on my floor, leaning on my bed crying. I'm tired of crying over this guy! I have never in my life cried over a man like this. Ever!
      I know that I allowed myself to fall for him. I was sooooooooo careful when we first started talking and such not to get too caught up in it. I was totally afraid I was imagining everything. Then he started throwing hints and making things way too obvious and so, convinced, I let myself fall for him. Get excited when he called, be excited when he texted me good morning. But more than anything I knew he would be there. Always there. Life was going perfect. I was always talking to the Lord about things, asking Him to help me keep my focus on Him instead of, well, him, but im not going to lie. I knew the Lord was telling us this was not His timing. I guess what is going on now is the consequences of disobedience. But we still listened! But, maybe not soon enough. I guess my mom does have a reason as to why she wants me to do something exactly when she tells me to do something, not hours later.
     So, for all you spammers who actually read my blog, know that when God tells you to do something, make sure you do it when He says, cause He knows way more than you do and wants to save you from heart ache for something you were never supposed to have in the first place. It was a mistake. A learning experience. Still hurts, still sucks, but I have learned from it. I just pray the Lord will heal me from this so I can move on with my life and glorify Him and enjoy my life and my youth group family without the gut-punching feeling. Cause I'm tired of the gut-punching feeling and the tears that come from it later. Yes, crying is god for you, but I refuse to wallow in it for too long. I want to live my life again without my emotional drama because I am to never trust my emotions. Although, I must say, this is probably the worst time in  my life to finally discover emotions. For so long I suppressed them, but this year, as I have allowed the Lord to being me closer to Him, I am finding their many uses. They are useful, yes, and I am now able to help others with theirs, but I don't like their consequences.
      Something I have learned with this whole experience is that love is not a feeling or emotion. It's action. And the best action I can show towards someone who is distancing themselves is to let him go. It sounds cliche, but it sets both me and him free. Let them go and if it was meant to be, they will come back. He won't have to worry about weirdness between us or worried I will get the wrong signal and I won't expect anything from him in that sense. I wont have to worry about him talking to other women because I will not be focused on that and wont be hurt by it because I have no claim on him. He won't be mine so I will have no right to be angry, sad or jealous. This wasn't a break up, this was a let go and give to the Lord. God's got His hand on my life. He's got what's best for me. And I am growing (Praise Him!!) And when I feel as though Im falling back on those past feelings and actions in terms of Travis, I will read this and remember where I stand.

I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what, I’m gonna need You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 

No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself

I’m just sitting in silence

There’s no way I can make it, without Your help

I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons, for everything

So I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling

God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

~Kerrie Roberts

Forever Be Mine

 

 Sounds AMAZING on uke! Just sayin :)
  A E
You're right there. Close my eyes and you are here. faith is not sight, but you show me anyways. Conceal yourself when it is time for me to grow. I can Take a deep breath and smile, cause I know you are right here even when I feel alone
A E A E 
    cause you will never depart, from me. Youve opened my eyes so that I could see
A D A E
that my whole life is not a guessing game. You've seen the storms even before they came. you planned this all out from the dawn of time. You made me yours and you will forever be mine.
   When things come that distract me from your grace, come near cause I need to see your face. You give me peace when my enemies attack,I trust you cause you got my back Lord thank you for being my everlasting King
Am D
So when I feel like i fall from grace remind me that it was never mine to gain. Its not by me that I am saved
it's what you gave and i will never be the same

Before the Mornin. I love you God!

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you,
Where is He now?

Well maybe, there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending.
Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
Can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.

My friend, you know how this all ends
And you know where you're going.
You just don't know how you'll get there.
So say a prayer,

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God.
But life is not a snapshot,
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture.


So hold on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning.

Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory.
Once you feel the weight of glory,
All your pain will fade to memory,


Come on, you gotta wait for the light.
Press on and just fight the good fight.
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the hurt before the healing.

Oh the pain that you've been feeling,
It's just the dark before the morning.
Before the morning.

Ya know, I'm talkin about my be-e-est friend! :)

     While spending time with the Lord, I started asking Him some questions that MAJORLY confused me. Like anger. Especially within the last few years, I always saw God as a loving, non-pushing, gentleman, graceful being who was always there for me. And He is, don't ever think otherwise lol.
    But then I started remembering times, especially in the old testament where He would point out everyone's faults and then destroy them if they didn't line up with Him. And that scared me! I was like, "God, you say that You are what You and that You are the same yesterday, today, and forever. If so, then am I seeing You in a way that You aren't?"
    It really confused me! I brought up Sodom and Gomorrah as an example and how He destroyed it. Or even when He flooded the earth to get rid of the bad guys. Then God started saying this:
 
   If you notice, I saved my people from those cities before I destroyed them. I gave them a chance to turn away, but they didn't. I loved the people who lived in sin, just as much as I did my righteous children, but they refused to turn away from the evil. They refused me. So, Malana, what did I do? I got my kids out and then protected them by getting rid of the sin within that city. I had to make a tough decision. I already knew they would never come back to me, so they were already lost. By keeping them there, it would have just hurt the ones who did care for me. I couldn't risk that. Same with the flood. If you notice, you have this thing you call a "rainbow" which my promise to never flood the earth again. But, as you can also see, I saved my kids- Noah and his family.

    My pastor actually did a sermon over this, not too long ago. He also made a point about how God is not judgement minded. In Genesis 18, God was willing to spare 1.5 million sin-filled people to save 10 righteous people. This means He is righteous focused!

    Then I asked Him about, what had changed? God doesn't change, so how come no cities have been destroyed or floods have occurred, or great balls of fire have rained from the sky since Jesus. I also asked Him why it seemed like Him and Jesus do things out of anger- even righteous anger. I always thought doing anything out of an emotion was not right. So what happened? Did He go softie? Then He reminded me of this:

     When I "did things out of anger" as you put it, I did it entirely out of love. When a parent disciplines their children, yes, they may be angry, but the discipline comes from the love they have for their children and wanting them to grow. When Jesus trashed the temple out of "anger" it was in righteous anger because they were leading my children astray. They were making a mockery of Our entire purpose which was to love and  to guide others in our love and law we established at the time. Plus, a main reason Jesus came to earth WAS to be tempted by everything and STILL overcome it. Since I was within Him the entire time, this meant I was able to see what each and every one of you go through so now I could relate. I could empathize. I could have that grace because I knew what my children truly went through. So, I overcame it for you so you could live through me. You see, the enemy has never been human, so He can never understand. He can never empathize with you. He has NO love for you at all. Just jealousy because I love you and I kicked him out. Emotions are a gift from me. You can glorify me with each one. But if you're not careful, you can glorify him too and that's what he tries to get you to do. That's why when you abide by me and my word, you can see the true motives to each of my actions and learn to line your actions up with mine.


    It was refreshing for once to talk about God and not me. I always have a habit of when I talk to Him, I make it all about me. But maybe, God wants to talk about Him for a while. When you talk to your best friend, you don't make it all about you. You ask them what they think on certain things, you ask 'what's been going on lately' or different stuff like that. You learn about them and their likes and dislikes and you have inside jokes and you even make fun of each other. You enjoy being around each other and you have a bond that no one else has with you. You also have trust. Trust in their opinion and when they try to warn you of something they don't think is a good idea. Trust that they love you and only want what's best for you. It's also the same for their view of you. It's a two way street. True friends give, they don't just take. And as one of my best friends remarked today, when you spend a lot of time with your best friend, you start to think and talk like them! You know what each other is thinking before they say something, you start having the same "fun words" or phrases, and the same goes with God! The more you spend time with Him, the more you start to speak like Him and act like Him. I think that's soo cool!

    Jesus is the best friend, dad, brother, sister, mother, g-pa, grannmal, and 5th cousin you could ever have. You want to know why? Because, every single one of these people listed above and many more all have one common denominator- and that's love that never leaves. And that's Him. He's not looking for you to mess up, He's anticipating for when you do something good. He's proud of you in weakness and in greatness. Just don't forget who He is and what He stands for. Trust me, He's the best thing you will ever find :)
    

     


   

New Creation :)

      Talking to an old friend from church, I have found that I really am an entirely different person! And I give all the glory to Jesus, the master craftsman Himself! Ever since I finally just gave up and gave my ENTIRE life to Him, He has blessed me and made me entirely new!!!!! My friend, Lauren, she was in awe at how much I had changed! Before, she probably didn't like to be around me.
    And I probably wouldn't blame her.

    Back before The Big Change, my life was entirely consumed with trying to please everyone, make myself be like others who told everyone they were different. I was focused on myself and used God as a way to get farther in life and in relationships with others. My christian walk wasn't about Jesus, it was about what He could give me and what I could do within my church. And that's being completely honest.

   When I realized my life wasn't about me and that there was soo much more to my life and Jesus than the American Dream or being liked, it opened my eyes. HE opened my eyes.And I would never have it any other way!

    I love my life and I love what He is doing in me and for me!I had to get off my high-horse and understand that God is bigger than me and He wasn't my genie. He was my Savior and the first person to ever truly love me. He is love. The real love. He invented the definition of it- literally! When He sent His son . . .  man, life was shifted. The curtain was torn, and we became truly His. And He became ours. Our Beloved. That's just soo beautiful to think about . . .

    This reminds me of the song,  "New Creation" by Leeland. It's soo true because once you are born again in Christ, you gain His life that He gave to you so you can have the best of the best. 'Cause that's what He is:  
   The Best of The Best. :)

   I'm not perfect, though, which you also must understand. Do NOT put me on a pedestal. I think sometimes, though, even I put myself on a pedestal. But I'm not perfect. But He is.
    He was perfect, so I didn't have to be.
    I'm still growing and will never stop growing in Him because He is never-ending. And I will have both a Paul and a Timothy. Someone I learn from and someone I can teach. And I can't wait until I have both of these.
 
   I want to thank those around me who keep on encouraging me to stay in him and reminding me why I do this. Ya know, sometimes, I seem to forget WHY I'm a christian or as I say, " A follower of Christ". Many people with the christian title have a habit of abusing it. But the people who love God and love me because of their relationship in the Lord is one of the main things that make all this worth it. The insane faith in His crazy love.

    "Death where is your sting, Hell will never conquer me
     A love pure and holy, Has set me free
    And I am a new creation, I have been born again
    For behold! The old has passed away!
    There's a hole inside of me, And I'll never run away from you!
    Anymore, anymore" ~ "New creation" by Leeland

 
 

Peace in your promises

                You know, one day, I’m going to change the world. It will be through Jesus, it will be by His leading, but I don’t know where to start! I pray, but I can’t focus and I just hope that Jesus can hear my heart through all this static in my life. I feel the leading of the Lord on my life, to be in ministry, to tell others about Jesus. Being a nurse just sounds so boring, but I know it’s a place that I can serve others. If I could, I would sing for the rest of my life, but pray that I never look at it as a job because that would suck the fun out of it. I want to be myself, have fun, serve others, and glorify Jesus.

                I keep thinking about the question- what are my passions? What do I enjoy doing, what gifts do I have that can transfer into a career. Honestly, I can’t keep focused. My head is spinning a million miles a minute, so many thoughts, options, opportunities and opinions. Lord, PLEASE shut them all up so I can hear only yours because I KNOW you have special plans for my life. The man I will marry, the children I will have. The career I will enjoy and the church I will live.

                I love history and antiques. I love people and God. I love to write, to please people, and to make people feel beautiful and confident. I want to take the lessons I have learned within my life, and teach those who are going through the same things. I want to please God and my parents and those I look up to. I want to rise above my financial situation at my house. I have peace in the chaos around me within my family, but others don’t. But what is the next step?

                Decisions are to be made, battles to be won, adversity to overcome. This is one of the most crucial parts of my life.

Today.

Everyday.

New grace, new mercies every morning- but only for that day. See, if I live my life in my past, I will look at my regrets and have fear for my future. If I look to my future, then I forget to live in today.

It’s all about the journey.

So what’s next, Lord? Where do I go? How do I get the static to shut up and my heart rate to slow? I find strength in your promise, peace in your plans for me. Peace.

This is not my life story.

     God has used me sooo much and He has just enlightened me, given me so many revelations in my life and I am going to just keep boasting in Him! Listen here! Now!

     Your life is not mundane. Your life is not supposed to be be boring, your life is important. You have a life story and I want to share with you that God has SUCH an amazing plan for your life that you can't even imagine. Yes, life may be hard now, or it may even be great. Or for most of us, it may be habitual and boring. I can guarentee you that if you give your life- all of it- to Christ, He will make your story extraordinary! I can honestly say, that I have done a lot of cleaning out in my life and realizing I was not born so I can have the American Dream of going to college, getting married, getting SSI and then having a pretty funeral where they have to stress to find good things to say about me.
     No.
     I came here to live life to the fullest, and give it up for His glory because He is the only thing that is left in the long run! We came into this world with nothing material and we are going to leave here with nothing material. Only truth.

     So take an honest look at yourself. What does your world consist of? Your work to earn money, your education? Your boyfriend? Or the only thing that will never leave- Jesus. When you glorify Him in EVERY LITTLE THING, you will find He will bless you and give so soooo much joy to where you honestly claim your life and be proud to live it! Years ago, I would have never said, "I love my life! I would never trade it for the world!" But I do now! You wanna know why? (and this is not to toot my own horn)

     Because MY life, is HIS life.
     There is more to life. The American Dream ain't got nothin' on Jesus' Dream. My question is, are you honestly wanting to settle for less than you are capable of becoming in Christ? Cause I guarentee you- the only things that will get your name in the TRUE history books, are going to be things devoted and for Christ. His history books are the only thing that matters and His library is the only thing important. The things you do for this earth will stay on this earth unless they are for His name. I can guarentee it.

      So the million dollar question is, what will your life story be? The boring stereotypical romance/emo/adversityovercoming/mundane/pursuitofvainhappiness/horror/tragedy/comedy?
Or will it be like Christ's:(i.e.lifechanging/submissive/selfless/lifesaving/courageous/joyful/andnotaboutyou)
'Cause last time I checked, Jesus left his story on this earth thousands(although technically it started before time exsisted) years ago, and it is STILL being glorified. And He has called you to be part of it. How's that for a cliffhanger?