I have this terrible anger inside of me because of someone else. It's my own dang fault. It was God plan, but it doesn't seem to help me get over it any faster. Dang it Justus! You piss me off so much and you don't even know it. Hell, thank God you don't know I have a blog. I got this blog for me so imma vent on it if I want to.
Jaime is an AMAZING person. And I hate her for it. He is so in love with her and it bugs me sooo much because that was me once. She's the "love of his life". He's freaking moving to Texas to BE WITH HER. I just don't understand why I asked God to show me what to do when he wanted to be with me and the Lord said no. I adhered to his guidance, but it has been over six months and I still have feelings! I have blocked his posts on facebook so I don't have to see his lovey dovey stuff and I have tried to avoid him at school. But every time I see him, it's as if I have done nothing to separate myself from him. But As my walls will not stay up, his walls become stronger around him because I think he's figured out that I haven't gotten over him yet.
Dang it Fay.
"He's so close, yet so far away at the same time". I once considered him one of my best friends. And he is an amazing guy. Respectable, caring, loving, and strong. Most women would not consider him to be the sexiest man alive, but I know what he's like when no one else is around. When he let's his guard down. But I'm just a child. I don't really know what is in the other side of that door. I wont allow myself to anymore.
I just wish the Lord would take away everything I feel toward him so that I can move on and he won't have to worry about me. Oh, what do I do? I don't want to lose what friendship we have left, but I hate keeping this from him. I have a feeling that once and If I do tell him what's been going through my head, he'll try his best not to talk to me or be around me just so he doesn't have to risk of giving me false hope. Cause that's what he'll do. Not the giving false hope thing (though with my hormones, you never know) but the wall thing. He is happy and I don't want ANYTHING to get in the way of that. Including drama with me. That's a sacrifice I am willing to take. My tortured silence for his happiness with her.
God must have had a plan in order for him to tell me not to pursue a relationship with him. I mean, he lead me to freaking Colossians where it talks about this stuff about dating guys who do not fully know the Lord. Hell, he even put Justus' name in the freaking message for more clarifications! I looked to God for guidance on this and I followed his commands. I have tried numerous times to just let him go and move on, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's just a fling to make the time go by so he can prepare me for someone else better down the road. I don't know. If you pray, pray that I get over him. And anyone else that I may be fawning over.
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