No Matter What

     I have no idea why in the heck I feel this way. All I know is that it's over a guy that I have no right to feel horrible about. At home, it seems that anytime something isn't right within the youth, Malana has to be the one to take the hell for it. Or if Travis does something, "Malana, you need to talk to Travis about this and this and this." It's not my problem! I'm tired of taking up for him or his mom on things because I'm barely even able to talk to him anymore. He doesn't let me. I don't let myself. It's sad when you start to see how many days you can go without talking to someone. But it hurts. I'm not even going to lie. I miss what it was. But there's nothing I can do about it. I KNOW the Lord told us to stop whatever it was we were doing. And we agreed to do it. But, honestly, I didn't think that meant cutting off all contact.
     It's not that I miss anything on the "more than friends" part, but I miss being able to talk to him period. He made me laugh, helped me be accountable, kept me up to date on sports, it was easier to lead the youth because I knew he had my back. Now there's this disconnect, at least that's what it feels like on my end. And Im tired of every time we go out on a youth event, or he has to take me home after practice, that I have to (well, not pretend) but when im with him, be reminded of what's missing but still act happy. I keep telling myself to be glad he's even talking to me when he does, and that when he's ready or feels the Lord lead, that he will be comfortable to let me back into his life. But im tired of leaving his vehicle all joyous, when really on the inside I feel like ive been punched in the gut. So I go inside my room, try not to think about it and just focus on the Lord, but still end of on my floor, leaning on my bed crying. I'm tired of crying over this guy! I have never in my life cried over a man like this. Ever!
      I know that I allowed myself to fall for him. I was sooooooooo careful when we first started talking and such not to get too caught up in it. I was totally afraid I was imagining everything. Then he started throwing hints and making things way too obvious and so, convinced, I let myself fall for him. Get excited when he called, be excited when he texted me good morning. But more than anything I knew he would be there. Always there. Life was going perfect. I was always talking to the Lord about things, asking Him to help me keep my focus on Him instead of, well, him, but im not going to lie. I knew the Lord was telling us this was not His timing. I guess what is going on now is the consequences of disobedience. But we still listened! But, maybe not soon enough. I guess my mom does have a reason as to why she wants me to do something exactly when she tells me to do something, not hours later.
     So, for all you spammers who actually read my blog, know that when God tells you to do something, make sure you do it when He says, cause He knows way more than you do and wants to save you from heart ache for something you were never supposed to have in the first place. It was a mistake. A learning experience. Still hurts, still sucks, but I have learned from it. I just pray the Lord will heal me from this so I can move on with my life and glorify Him and enjoy my life and my youth group family without the gut-punching feeling. Cause I'm tired of the gut-punching feeling and the tears that come from it later. Yes, crying is god for you, but I refuse to wallow in it for too long. I want to live my life again without my emotional drama because I am to never trust my emotions. Although, I must say, this is probably the worst time in  my life to finally discover emotions. For so long I suppressed them, but this year, as I have allowed the Lord to being me closer to Him, I am finding their many uses. They are useful, yes, and I am now able to help others with theirs, but I don't like their consequences.
      Something I have learned with this whole experience is that love is not a feeling or emotion. It's action. And the best action I can show towards someone who is distancing themselves is to let him go. It sounds cliche, but it sets both me and him free. Let them go and if it was meant to be, they will come back. He won't have to worry about weirdness between us or worried I will get the wrong signal and I won't expect anything from him in that sense. I wont have to worry about him talking to other women because I will not be focused on that and wont be hurt by it because I have no claim on him. He won't be mine so I will have no right to be angry, sad or jealous. This wasn't a break up, this was a let go and give to the Lord. God's got His hand on my life. He's got what's best for me. And I am growing (Praise Him!!) And when I feel as though Im falling back on those past feelings and actions in terms of Travis, I will read this and remember where I stand.

I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what, I’m gonna need You

I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 

No matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself

I’m just sitting in silence

There’s no way I can make it, without Your help

I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons, for everything

So I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling

God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength

~Kerrie Roberts